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I Once Composed A Poem Come Closer TO ME
''Come Closer to Me.''
An old friend of ours
in the neighborhood played the violin
whole night for unlimited hours
After two kids
his only love now
was his violin
something that only
a true musician would know
The whole world heard
it in these moments
his fingers would brace her face
as his violin
her hair- the strings
his eyes would look no where
with his lips
he kissed the violin as hers
hairs stood up
of those who his violin did purse
he continued to play
as I sang that day
''Come Closer TO ME.''
Then he silently smiled
to simply pass away
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Obadiah Grey
Mon, 2021-09-20 12:33
Hiya mate,
Hiya mate,
But for the first line, "It is a known fact there is no smoke without a fire" (A tad cliché)
and the inversion in "of those who his violin did purse"
I really like this piece; I think its well worth pursuing further.
Obi.
lovedly
Mon, 2021-09-20 13:29
thanks a mighty
It happened years ago
now I too am in that row
Seren
Mon, 2021-09-20 14:18
Ello Old friend
You're still here!! It's so nice to see a friendly face. How are you? I'm not going to cut your poem to bits. Well not today anyway lol I'm still find my words again myself lol
Love and hugs Jayne x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
lovedly
Mon, 2021-09-20 19:04
So nice to see you ma'am
Please do whenever thanks
Geezer
Tue, 2021-09-21 09:28
You know me Lovedly...
I am hardly one to mince words or ideas
when it comes to critique!
I like your theme a lot and feel that
it would be in your best interest
to delete a couple of words here and there
to make this smoother.
You have expressed the thought of his
love for his violin twice within a couple of lines.
I would try something like:
After two kids
his only love now
was his violin
something that only
a true musician would know
The whole world heard
it in these moments
his fingers would...
The rest is great!
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
lovedly
Tue, 2021-09-21 11:39
FUNTASTIC
GEEEZ
scribbler
Tue, 2021-09-21 15:41
Hi Loved
Would that we could all die doing what we love. I'm only suggest you read this out loud. It will be easy then to determine the few tiny changes needed
lovedly
Tue, 2021-09-21 16:07
stan I'm confused
this one has already fused
scribbler
Tue, 2021-09-21 20:14
Is it better to be confused or professed?
lol
lovedly
Tue, 2021-09-21 20:17
neither or
as u LIKE IT
Ray Whitaker
Thu, 2021-09-23 20:47
The out loud suggestion
Is beneficial. I try to remember to read all my work out loud, so often there are things that only come to light with that work being spoken.
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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lovedly
Fri, 2021-09-24 00:22
Shall
I also know where was/IS the off mark
not too well '
so this week perhaps
and AS I compose I keep speaking ALOUD
that's why I call myself a poet
Would you Ray
only six decades of poetry limitless
Ray Whitaker
Fri, 2021-09-24 20:11
I struggle a bit with rhythm
My reading aloud seems to help me some
Writing mine, It gets confused
Lost in a jungle
Of perhaps too many words
I do not count syllables
As if in a creative writing curriculum
Somehow I rebel against that conformity
Being disciplined about being undisciplined
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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lovedly
Fri, 2021-09-24 21:32
I do not count syllables........
And I don't know how
so I sing along
more learned guys like you
beat me
can't you edit it
Here
see I'll do it
especially for you
as ur
LOVED LY