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I now walk in slow steps

Submitted by lovedly on Thu, 2023-03-23 14:44

I now walk in slow steps
getting often breathless
my age warns me
breathe softly
cough casually

But it's my nature
which overpowers me
so now I don't work
breathlessly

after all it's poetry
we all say the same thing
with a painted difference

we need to advance gradually
like the Nile
without anyone noticing
it rolls away in time
so do all ye gradually

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-03-23 14:44

neopoet's picture
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This poem speaks to the natural progression of life and the importance of taking things slow. The speaker's acknowledgement of their age and the need to take care of oneself is a universal theme that many readers can relate to. The use of the Nile as a metaphor for gradual advancement is particularly effective, as it rolls away almost imperceptibly.

One suggestion for a line edit would be to change "which over powers me" to "that overpowers me", as it is more concise and flows better with the rest of the poem. Additionally, changing "all say the same thing" to "we all say the same thing" clarifies the collective nature of the poetic community.

Overall, this poem is a gentle reminder to take things slow and appreciate the subtle changes that occur over time.n\n\ The above is an computer generated response. Please send feedback through https://www.neopoet.com/contact

lovedly

Sat, 2023-03-25 04:13

lovedly's picture

what reaction of AI
now slightly unwell
but not yet in a well
till someone tolls
the bell
to show the way to hell

author comment

scribbler

Thu, 2023-03-23 16:19

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This is one of your poems that I like but can't put my finger on Why lol

lovedly

Fri, 2023-03-24 02:40

lovedly's picture

scribble on my head you can lol ....my greatest ----longest neo poet .....man

author comment

leoferaco

Sat, 2023-03-25 12:07

There's a few examples of word structure I really enjoy in this poem. Mainly, "my age warms me" and "with a painted difference." Thank you for sharing lovedly.

lovedly

Sat, 2023-03-25 13:25

lovedly's picture

much kindness

author comment

lovedly

Sat, 2023-03-25 13:31

lovedly's picture

''my age warns me
all say with a painted difference."

we all must follow
yes follow/.....

author comment
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