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A fair review
Come sit and talk with angels
about what it is they do.
The wormhole souls that wander
through time and space with you.
Release your inhibitions,
fear not to follow through.
If you have found new portals
to speak with them, please do!
I wandered somewhat aimlessly
through months and years to find
their secrets lost through ignorance,
the truth about their kind.
To make a way past consequence
to find a neutral view.
A place where I could speak my mind,
receive a fair review.
The naysayers will tell you
it's doomsday through and through
for crimes of passion in the night
I don't believe it's true.
We forge along an uphill climb
to reach eternity,
but in the end we remain
as Gods in infancy.
Whatever may have been our past
our spirits shine right through!
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I didn't want to sound negative. I wanted something uplifting to come through, but I'm afraid of your disdain. I just hope
that you will understand this message of hope.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Region & Country
South Ogden, Utah
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Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, and all of the poets at neo.
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-07-20 11:40
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem titled "A fair review" exhibits a strong sense of narrative and exploration of metaphysical themes. The use of metaphors such as "wormhole souls" and "new portals" effectively convey a sense of journeying through time and space, which is a compelling concept.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The poem starts with a rhyme scheme of ABAB, but this is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in rhyme and rhythm can help to enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging for the reader.
The poem also seems to shift in focus from a conversation with angels, to a personal journey, to a commentary on judgement. While these themes can potentially be linked, the transitions between them could be smoother to help maintain a coherent narrative throughout the poem.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more concrete imagery. While the metaphysical themes are interesting, grounding them in concrete images could help to make the poem more relatable and impactful for the reader. For example, instead of saying "I wandered somewhat aimlessly", the poet could describe a specific scene or action that conveys this sense of aimless wandering.
Overall, the poem has potential, but could benefit from more consistency in rhythm and rhyme, smoother transitions between themes, and more concrete imagery.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Ruby Lord
Sat, 2024-07-20 05:55
Hey Leslie, really good poem.
Hey Leslie, really good poem. It flowed well and your word choice was excellent. Well done, Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Leslie
Sat, 2024-07-20 07:51
Thanks for the compliment. It
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
author commentLeslie
Sat, 2024-07-20 07:51
Thanks for the compliment. It
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
author commentTriskelion
Sat, 2024-07-20 10:20
Hi Leslie
I enjoyed the poem with its metrical layout, simple language and rhyme scheme. I notice in your final comments you are wanting something uplifting to come through...not sure what you exactly meant by that.
If you could be more specific about that and whether or not you are looking for suggestions, it would be a great help.
The poem flowed well throughout and the internal logic was easy to follow. For me, the last line kind of went clunk and I spent some time trying to absorb it. I can offer a couple suggestions if you care.
Nice poem.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Leslie
Sat, 2024-07-20 11:40
THOMAS
I HAD A HARD TIME WITH THE LAST LINE ALSO I WELCOME ANY INPUT THANK YOU!
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
author commentTriskelion
Sat, 2024-07-20 11:58
Let me try this...
...if you change this line
"I'd hoped to find the truth"
to something like
"the truth about their kind"
you'll get a rhyme out of it.
In the last line (not fully sure of the intent) perhaps just a comma in there would have solved the ambiguity.
In your last notes (and a small thing) the word disdain is a little strong...I hope you meant criticism...
Overall, I enjoyed the poem! Great to see you actively editing it.
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Leslie
Sat, 2024-07-20 12:25
Thomas
Criticism is a better word. I used your line just as it was written if you would like you may co author it. Please go over it again and respond. I made important changes at the end that you might not have noticed yet.
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
author commentTriskelion
Sat, 2024-07-20 12:30
Yes..
..the ambiguity has rendered to enlightenment in the last lines.
For future reference, I offer suggestions free for the taking. That's what communities are about
Cheers!
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Leslie
Sat, 2024-07-20 12:37
Thomas
Thank you for the line and for responding so quickly.
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
author commentLavender
Sun, 2024-07-21 00:05
A Fair Review
Hello, Leslie,
I think your positive message came through nice and strong. I believe in Angels. It's a lovely thought to feel that a soulmate is walking through this crazy, challenging, wonderful life with you - your private companion who holds more empathy for you than no one else. Very nice!
L
Leslie
Sun, 2024-07-21 03:55
L
Thanks for commenting, you are so very kind!
All of God's children singing, holding hands in the rain!
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