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Night is Young
Every night
before I sleep
get a feeling
am young still
as I slumber deep
can no more sleep
with open eyes
i sweep across my life
as it passes by
Then I twist and twirl
my body says stay still
no one knows
whether I am alive
my night passes
steadily
hoping I will live
Though deaf
I can hear clearly
the sun's rays
smile at me
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
Daily I see dawn
when I go to sleep
Lonely
nights
Editing stage:
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Comments
Rula
Thu, 2020-04-02 18:12
I would trim
The last two lines in the stanza before the last to avoid some repetition
(the sun rays say
wake up Lovedy)
A perfect ending.... I really like it.
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lovedly
Fri, 2020-04-03 02:57
Thank you Rula
done
lovedly
Fri, 2020-04-03 12:28
A friendly comment being shared
NIGHT IS YOUNG
Such a brilliant description of one's feeling of restlessness when one goes to sleep at night. Loved the way you have crafted the poem. It is such a delight to read it. Thanks a ton for sharing.10+++
the night is young poem
lovedly
Sat, 2020-04-04 05:27
many liked it
didn't you
Gracy
Sat, 2020-04-04 14:19
I would just tweak a couple
I would just tweak a couple of words to polish it up. In the second strophe you have two "buts" that can easily be removed. There are several extra "buts", I would remove most of them. TorT. Enjoyed a lot lovedly.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
lovedly
Sat, 2020-04-04 14:23
have done and thanks
mA'AM