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A Thirst For Freedom
After months aboard a floating tomb
With the stench of death and gloom
Shackled in chains, this unfortunate slave
At the land of the free, and home of the brave
Same cotton wheel, years down the line
All work not play, with no way to resign
Dare to ask for water, from the boss man at auction
Make no mistakes - approach with caution
Out of luck - not today, so I’ll go without
I think of the cattle, at home in a drought
And the floating tomb, in sea that was crushing
One extreme to the other, much water or nothing
The worst part is, that’s not the worst
My family perished - whipped and frog-marched
And lashed again - behaviour adjustment
Sometimes shot, it is murder - to this the boss is accustomed
I must get out of this place, and away from this man
The man with the whip, that’s attached to his hands
I’ll head back to the sea, and swim if I must
And take a chance in the water, if this is Earth’s crust
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-07-17 00:30
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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Geezer
Mon, 2023-07-17 00:31
I'm feeling...
an emotion here; something that is right there, but wavers in and out. I find that I have to use [what I call my best orator's voice],
in order to make it flow at all. Even then, I struggle with some of your word choices, as there are lines that jump to the next image so quickly
and maybe out of context, that they are hard to follow. I think you have all the right words, they just aren't snuggling up.
Try picking a set meter, and then keep close to it. That will delvelop a rhythm. Sometimes, if you are one beat away, you can choose the right sound
and length of a word and make it stretch or shrink just a bit, filling the spot as perfect as...
Personally, I was struck by how much I felt with the free verse part, where there was no rhyme.
I really like the free verse part, I felt the tragedy there, the hopelessness. I love the story, maybe a stab at it again?
~ Geezer.
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