Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Pandora's Box

Submitted by Michael Keens on Mon, 2024-04-15 09:18

Indulge yourself in this fictitious tale
About a girl who removed a lid.
Upon said lid’s abrupt removal
She convinced herself of just approval.
The box she was terribly teased by
Of which the lid was quickly removed,
Proves to us all that temptation’s not easy.
This was Pandora’s box of deadly sins
There were seven of them in total
Because she was mistaking hopeful.
As a result of her hope in the box we can’t cope.
We’re human and our lives are tormented
All because the girl was greedily tempted.
She admits to her failing - she was brave, it was scary.
Like all humankind - she could be bad and be kind
She thought twice but gave in, hence the sins.
Just like us all - each race, the rich and the poor,
She just wished with such guilt, that she'd relented.

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly Contest 04/14/24 to 04/20/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-04-15 15:20

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

It is not feasible to offer feedback.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Alex Tanner

Mon, 2024-04-15 10:15

Hello Michael

I love the story of Pandora. The wallpaper on my phone is from a painting of her opening the box. I felt this, after a promising few lines became a bit of a jumble with bits running into each other. I would like to see an edit, pruned down and clearer punctuation. Alex.

Michael Keens

Mon, 2024-04-15 11:22

Thanks for the feedback. I'll

Thanks for the feedback. I'll work on what you said.

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2024-04-16 13:09

Hi Michael...

I remember the story of Pandora and the Forbidden Box,
from high-school and again in college. I like that you chose this story to tell,
but I feel like you have become a bit lost with the sequence or maybe just over-explanation
of the whole. See if you can't maybe combine two or more lines to reduce the confusion.

~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Neopoet

Pandora's Box