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The Shortest Long Goodbye

Hello....
Are you there?
I've tried a million times
But the tears I cannot hide

I'm weighing you down
You deserve so much more
Then disappointment and defeat
You have much to lose and it's not me

Let me close my eyes
Let this be our last goodbye
Let me close my eyes
You deserve better than me

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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Shortest Long Goodbye" presents a poignant narrative of self-sacrifice and regret. The use of repetition, particularly in the line "Let me close my eyes," effectively conveys the speaker's emotional turmoil and desire for closure. However, the poem could benefit from a more varied use of language and imagery to create a richer, more evocative experience for the reader.

The speaker's voice is clear, but the language used is somewhat generic. Phrases like "I've tried a million times" and "You deserve so much more" are common in everyday speech and writing, and their use here does not add much depth or specificity to the poem. To make the poem more engaging and unique, consider replacing these clichés with more original expressions or concrete details that reveal more about the speaker's situation and feelings.

The poem's structure is straightforward, with four-line stanzas and a consistent rhyme scheme. This structure works well for the poem's theme and tone, but the rhythm of the lines is somewhat uneven. The poem might benefit from a more consistent meter, which could enhance its musicality and emotional impact.

Lastly, the poem's imagery is quite sparse. The only concrete image is of the speaker crying, which is conveyed through the line "But the tears I cannot hide." More use of imagery could make the poem more vivid and emotionally resonant. For example, the speaker could describe the physical sensations of crying, or use a metaphor to convey the weight of their guilt and regret.

In summary, while the poem effectively communicates a strong emotional narrative, it could be improved by more varied and original language, a more consistent meter, and more use of imagery.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

imagine that scenario. It must be hard thinking that you are a burden on someone. Usually, it's the ones that are, and don't know or care that are the problem. I don't see anything to add on this one. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I often feel like a burden. Just once I'd like to say everything is good and no worries. I feel like most would be better off without me.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Dear Carrie,
You are such a gifted poet, and I love your poetry. Working with you here, and corresponding as we have in the past, I cannot imagine why you would feel this way about yourself, but I know we all have at some point. Keep writing, my sister!
Lx

Thank you for the kind words. I am working on getting back to reading and commenting more often. I miss all of you and your writings.

~RoseBlack~

author comment
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