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Under The Influence

Submitted by RoseBlack on Mon, 2024-02-05 08:04

Accidental, no doubt.
One and done, you were supposed to be out.
My soul left my body, the minute we kissed.
A moment in time, I am glad not to have missed.

My hair in your hands,
thick fingers wound between the strands.
Your eyes following mine,
while your tongue traced my lip line.

Intoxicated by your smell,
but how could I tell,
this would turn into so much more.
opening a whole new door.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

02/24 Under The Influence

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-02-05 14:04

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem demonstrates a strong use of sensory imagery, particularly in the second and third stanzas where the tactile and olfactory senses are invoked. This helps to create an immersive experience for the reader. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter to enhance its musicality and flow.

The first stanza has a clear ABAB rhyme scheme, but this is not maintained in the subsequent stanzas. Consistent rhyme schemes can help to create a sense of cohesion and rhythm in a poem. Consider revising the second and third stanzas to match the rhyme scheme established in the first stanza.

The poem also contains a few clichés, such as "a moment in time" and "opening a whole new door". While these phrases are not inherently problematic, they are often overused in poetry and can detract from the originality of the piece. Consider replacing these phrases with more unique and specific imagery to further enhance the poem's originality and emotional impact.

Lastly, the narrative of the poem could be clarified. The poem seems to describe a powerful and unexpected romantic encounter, but the specifics of this encounter and its consequences are somewhat vague. Providing more specific details or exploring the speaker's emotions in greater depth could help to create a more engaging and emotionally resonant narrative.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Unca Fez

Mon, 2024-02-05 14:51

This Sounds Like...

This sounds like the beginning of something, hopefully good. Your use of tactile, olefactory, and visual sensation takes the reader into the moment. Nicely done.

Thanx,
Steve

RoseBlack

Mon, 2024-02-05 15:01

Thank you Steve

I am glad you enjoyed. Trying to dig a little deeper with my writing instead of just scraping the surface.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-02-05 17:51

Dear Carrie,

I can see you writing pure enchantment you are almost there now! your writing skills are developing and you have dug deeply!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Mon, 2024-02-05 18:12

Thank you Cat

I am trying to go deeper than just the surface! Glad you enjoyed

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2024-02-05 22:08