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Warning- I'm Done
Don't cry to me,
when she breaks your heart.
Don't cry to me,
you were told from the start.
Your self-serving prophecy,
for a down payment,
a disgusting choice,
"what she can do for me!"
You can't call something trash,
pull it from the can,
and by some miraculous flash,
expect it to act any other way.
Don't call me,
when it's over.
I could care less.
Don't call me, ever.
We both know your nothing but a lie.
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-02-24 17:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses repetition and direct address to convey a strong sense of emotion and finality. However, there are some areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
1. Grammar: There are a few grammatical errors that can distract from the overall message. For example, "your nothing but a lie" should be "you're nothing but a lie".
2. Metaphor: The metaphor of trash being pulled from a can is a powerful image, but the transition to this metaphor could be smoother. Currently, it's a bit jarring and could confuse the reader.
3. Consistency: The tone of the poem is generally consistent, but the line "what she can do for me!" seems out of place. It's unclear who is being addressed in this line, which can disrupt the flow of the poem.
4. Structure: The poem could benefit from a more consistent structure. The stanzas vary in length and rhythm, which can make the poem feel disjointed.
5. Message: The message of the poem is clear, but it could be made more powerful with more specific details or imagery. This would help the reader connect more deeply with the emotions being expressed.
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Michael Anthony
Sat, 2024-02-24 11:27
A lot of emotion to unpack in
A lot of emotion to unpack in this angry, but well written missive to an apparent fool. Many can absolutely relate to this, including myself. Loved the 3rd stanza especially - thanks for sharing this piece RB!
Best
Michael Anthony
RoseBlack
Sat, 2024-02-24 12:06
Thanks Michael
I will never understand some people's choices and then the dance they do because they know they chose wrong. It's like where do you draw the line and cut your own emotions off because they just don't learn and it's one slap right after the other..glad you could relate and liked this piece. Thank you
~RoseBlack~
author commentLavender
Sat, 2024-02-24 19:29
Warning - I'm Done
Hello, Carrie,
This message is crystal clear and to the point! Perfect title. I'm wondering, is it "Could care less" or "Couldn't care less" - it seems "couldn't" would be the most "done." Just an observation.
A final warning, for sure!
L
RoseBlack
Sun, 2024-02-25 00:30
Thanks L
I will revisit the line later in the day. Yes...I am very much done. On. To better things.
~RoseBlack~
author commentCandlewitch
Sun, 2024-02-25 14:44
Dear Carrie,
I had a situation like that many moons ago. I drop-kicked it to the gutter pretty fast! btw, I agree with Lavender! excellent venting!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Sun, 2024-02-25 15:59
It's definitely drop kicked
On to better things and people. My faith has been restored
~RoseBlack~
author commentWilliam Lynn
Mon, 2024-02-26 21:09
Howdy Carrie.
Howdy Carrie.
It sounds like you have hit a nerve with those that have responded. I too can relate, but from a male perspective. It obviously doesn't matter, as crappy, shallow relationships should surprise nobody, as we see them every day. I think we all look and wonder "how the heck did they think that was going to work"?
Thanks for sharing. Will
RoseBlack
Tue, 2024-02-27 16:35
My thoughts
On the daily but now on to better things
~RoseBlack~
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