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Restless

The shining stars, to no avail;
like dust behind the dragon's tail
were drifting where my eyes were turned
and beads of surly sweat had burned
accreting chide as pillows churned

and restlessly, the sheets were tossed
a dozen midnight hours crossed
while sanity was looming lost
...the mattress laughed at fits of fray
while scorching where my body lay

stripped to nakedness, the ants
were hatched from silk pyjama pants
while in the sky, the lightning danced
...in clouds that taunted distantly
above the hearth of windless sea

in nether regions, worms a'wriggling!
tickling, oozing, crawling, niggling
that drove me fingering, clenching, giggling
...and thinking how a long, cold bath
would ease this seige of demon's wrath

another open furnace door
emitting rays of reddened ore
I hear the news has more in store
...with night time bearing small relief
from sleepless summer's brazen thief

and all the day, that leads each night
that nuclear curse of heaven, bright
parades in flaunting ways, this blight
...last night, the waxing moon had melted
-summer sloughed in slag and smelted

and now, the fridge light casts a glare
and well inside, my eyes do stare
upon three ripened plums...right there
...whose ownership I do not know
and less, I care, as I bend low
.
.
.
S7 inspired by William Carlos Williams' "This is Just to Say"

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
...always looking for any feedback, but especially with grammar and punctuation. This one has a bit different structure and originally had a dark final stanza, but thought it would be fun to twist the ending. Thanks for reading!- --changed squeezing to clenching- (light bulb moment)
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Wow, Thomas,
I've read several times - the rhyme pattern is amazing, and the language is simply fantastic. I'm in awe... I love the WCW poem, and your ending could be a small poem, itself. So, it may be just me, but when reading, I also felt a flow similar to Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll. Your tight rhyme pattern is much more complex, of course, but there is a lovely whimsical feeling. "...summer sloughed in slag and smelted." Not entirely sure what that literally means, but I like how it makes me feel when I read it aloud!
This is a gem.
L

I read this with some delight and would have taken it for granted that it was something by Lewis Carroll or Dr, Suess!
The rhyme and rhythm were very good. I could and would forgive any gibberish like the line mentioned by Lavender, simply because of the feeling it brought to the piece. The words [slag and smelted] both are words of heat and furnaces, so pass easily. Nice job! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I'm glad you enjoyed this experimental poem. Your replies are my happiness. I was wondering how that line might be received, but let it be for the same reason you seem to pass it. The word slough does have a couple meanings, either which (kinda) works in that line. Considering poetic licence.. slough(sloo) is a swamp, so, by adding "ed" would become "swamped" or slough(sluff) to shed, so (kinda) works there, too considering the way sunburnt skin peels.
My other concern was the transition between tercets and couplets that seemed to curb on the couplet, so added the hideous dots to create a pause. Not sure if that was a good thing.lol, but worked for me. I also considered using a half space between them, but that wasn't an option and wasn't wholly correct for all stanzas, so would structurally disturb the flow...I guess I'm rambling now.
Your comparison to Lewis Carroll's writing was a surprise and pretty sure we studied him in secondary school and may have influenced me somehow.

Thank you for your kind appreciation. I hope to further gather more.

Thomas

.
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...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

I did notice the ellipses. In my opinion, they are not necessary, especially since you are using such wonderful enjambment in most cases. I think the tercets / couplets transition is outstanding - one of the things (and there are so many things) I really admire and enjoy about this poem. I had no difficulty with the poem's flow, at all.
L

..now I know what it means, so thanks for that..and "ellipsis"...I did not know it was a literary thing, either.
So, after making two copies with and without ellipses(pl) and going back and forth once a day, I still can't let the little darlings go.lol.
Thanks again for your input.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

author comment

I can see why you like them! :)
L

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