Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
This is Life
Hedonistic wealth: a pauper’s poor mental health
Hearing what you want, fallen words upon deaf ears
Exploring what you love, when ignorance is bliss
Gazing at the stars so hot, with crate of ice-cold beer
Seeing others cry, can bring a man to tears
Partaking in what’s dangerous, to disregard the fears
Living for the moment, when you crave what is to come
Enjoying what is trivial, you don’t do what should be done
Entrusting a stranger, to find out he’s a crook
Requesting back the money: the cash the said man took
A selfie captures what’s around – a profoundly false rapture
To escape what lies inside: all the thoughts that reside
An external maze, your insides it will rupture
The memories are held: a phone in a bag that’s on your side
This is life; it is fine; it is yours; it is mine, don’t worry give it time.
It will end but you can mend, all the above but look below:
This is not death row, it is life, and one side of it is bright.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-11-18 00:32
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "This is Life" demonstrates a strong command of language and an ability to create vivid imagery. The exploration of life's paradoxes and contradictions is engaging and thought-provoking.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Consistency in Rhyme and Rhythm: The poem seems to fluctuate between rhyming and non-rhyming lines, which can disrupt the flow and rhythm. It may be beneficial to decide on a consistent rhyme scheme and stick to it throughout the poem.
2. Clarity of Message: While the poem explores various aspects of life, it might be more impactful if it focused on a single theme or message. As it stands, the poem jumps between different ideas, which can make it difficult for the reader to understand the overall message.
3. Use of Clichés: The line "ignorance is bliss" is a well-known cliché. While clichés can sometimes be used effectively, they often detract from the originality of a poem. Consider replacing this and any other clichés with more unique phrases.
4. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult to read and understand. Adding punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify its meaning.
5. The final lines of the poem could be reworked to have a stronger impact. The phrase "This is not death row" seems to come out of nowhere and might confuse readers. Consider revising this section to better tie in with the rest of the poem.
Overall, the poem has potential but could benefit from more focus, consistency, and originality.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact