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Once Upon A Murder

Once upon a murder
As she gazed upon
Her ghostly home

Concrete slabs
Beneath granite feet
Cemented hands across her chest

Sanguine tears fell
From chiseled eyes
Tainting the sod below

A broken wing
From the first stone cast
Bruised, beaten and stained

His words cut like steele
Through her heart strings
They exploded fast

Never meant to be anything
More than second best
A memory that wouldn't pass

With a blade that was too swift
She took him first
And then herself last

Together forever is what he said...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.


The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Once Upon A Murder" presents a vivid, albeit dark, narrative that draws on strong imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of violence and tragedy. However, there are areas where clarity could be improved to enhance the reader's understanding and engagement with the poem.

1. Consistency in Metaphorical Language: The poem uses a mixture of concrete and abstract imagery, such as "concrete slabs" and "sanguine tears". While this can create a rich tapestry of visuals, it may also confuse readers if the connection between these images is not clear. Consider refining the metaphors to ensure they contribute to a cohesive narrative.

2. Punctuation and Syntax: The poem's punctuation and syntax could be revised for clarity. For instance, the phrase "His words cut like steele / Through her heart strings / They exploded fast" could benefit from punctuation to clarify the relationship between the clauses.

3. Poetic Form: The poem does not adhere to a specific poetic form, which is perfectly acceptable. However, the inconsistent line lengths and rhyme scheme can make the poem feel a bit disjointed. If this was the intention, to mirror the chaos and violence of the narrative, it could be beneficial to make this more explicit through other elements of the poem.

4. Use of Language: The poem uses a variety of powerful words and phrases to convey its narrative. However, some phrases, such as "ghostly nabe" and "steele", are less commonly used or spelled in a non-standard way, which may disrupt the reader's engagement with the poem. Consider revising these elements for clarity.

5. Conclusion: The poem ends abruptly with "Too late....". While this effectively conveys a sense of finality and tragedy, it might be worth considering how this conclusion can be made more impactful. Perhaps providing more context or detail in the preceding lines could help to heighten the emotional impact of the poem's conclusion.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to

Is it a Japanese hot pot?
I think I would use a different word than [fast,] maybe use [out.]
The ending is rather abrupt, but reveals the intent of signing off to the obvious
threat to sanity. The world goes on, and I think that the ultimate irony is that
"they" win. I'm not about to let "them" or "they" win. I'm going out kicking and screaming.
Join up, make a list now; make "them" and "they" pay! ~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Is an alternate word for neighborhood. I can change it if it doesn't sound good. Who are we fighting...I'm in!


author comment

ending better! I was thinking about the thought of suicide. I figure if I let them drive me to it, "they" win. I'm not about to let "them" win. Let's go kicking and screaming, punching and clawing from this life. Not gonna be easy. ~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Not easy. I am trying to write something else and I keep getting stuck.


author comment

Hi, Carrie,
I am so curious about this! At first, I felt it was a concrete angel having a human and very spiritual experience over an unrequited love. And it still feels that way, but I am confused with the ending. Maybe she is reliving this moment when she was murdered? The dark, mysterious ending leaves me wanting more!
Thank you!

You are right about the concrete angel. The end came kind of fast to me. I am not sure if my own personal triggers were firing off and I needed to end it or what. I will go back and work with it. Thank you for your input.


author comment

This is gonna be good! I'll be back!

I like this much better. The feel of the cold, bitter ending adds to the cold concrete throughout.

I like it too. Thank you for your comments and support.


author comment
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