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In The Moment

Submitted by RoseBlack on Tue, 2023-09-19 21:02

By ghostly wind, through the open window pane
He appeared; thick fingers entangled in my hair
Paralyzed, hypnotized, mesmerized by his eyes
Locked in a trance, we began to dance; bodies intertwined

Cold sheets under fevered flesh
Sweat pelted like rain against every inch
Blanketed in his scent; our souls began to mesh
Shivers tattooed in wanton.

Husky, dusky whispers
Fell from lips of perfection
Rolling off a tongue possessed by magic
Our hopes and dreams collided in the moment
.
He left as he came, through the window pane
Leaving me to ponder in endless wonder
How two people wanting the same
Couldn't get their shizz together

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Last few words:

Shizz was used intentionally

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-09-20 03:02

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "In The Moment" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and sensory details, which effectively creates a vivid and immersive experience for the reader. However, there are areas that could benefit from further refinement.

The use of metaphors and similes, such as "ghostly wind", "thick fingers entangled in my hair", and "shivers tattooed in wanton", is commendable. These elements add depth and texture to the narrative. However, the phrase "shivers tattooed in wanton" might be a bit unclear. The use of "wanton" as a noun is a bit unconventional and might confuse some readers. Consider revising this line for clarity.

The transition from the romantic and passionate tone in the first three stanzas to the more casual and humorous tone in the last stanza is a bit abrupt. The phrase "Couldn't get their shizz together" seems to disrupt the rhythm and mood established by the preceding lines. If this was an intentional choice to inject humor or irony, it might be beneficial to introduce this tone shift more gradually to maintain the coherence of the poem.

The poem also lacks a consistent rhyme scheme. While free verse can be an effective choice for certain narratives, in this case, a consistent rhyme scheme might enhance the rhythm and flow of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more explicit exploration of its themes. The narrative seems to revolve around desire, passion, and perhaps unfulfilled love, but these themes could be developed more fully. This would provide the reader with a deeper understanding of the emotions and experiences being conveyed.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Tue, 2023-09-19 21:43

Loving it...

especially the word shizz. I felt the magic when he came in through the window. [I have a story about coming through the window, [or rather leaving through a window, but that's a story for another time]. I like the heat of it and the "cold sheets under fevered flesh." Shazam! Or maybe Shizzam? LoL. I especially like the lines:

"Husky dusky whispers
Fell from lips of perfection
Rolling off a tongue possessed by magic
Our hopes and dreams collided in the moment"

Oh, BTW, [wanton]
Well done! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

RoseBlack

Tue, 2023-09-19 22:05

So glad

You liked this. I'll fix wanton..spell check wasn't playing nicely. I am interested in hearing your window story! 95% of this poem is true. Shizzam sounds about right for the fevered flesh. I wasn't sure how shizz would go over but it felt like it belonged. Thank you for the read and praise!

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2023-09-20 05:21

I love the music in these

I love the music in the lines and in particular these two lines:

Paralyzed, hypnotized, mesmerized by his eyes
Locked in a trance, we began to dance; bodies intertwined

I'm not so sure about the repetition of the word wind in the first line. Wind and window. I am a pedant though so I may be completely wrong?
Good poem, great imagery and it flows very well. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

RoseBlack

Wed, 2023-09-20 06:06

Hi Ruby

Thank you for the read and feedback. Sometimes I feel like my poems sound more like lyrics but I guess that's the music in me. I am not sure about wind and window. I have read and reread several times and think it sounds ok but I will play around with some other words. Sometimes I look up alternative words and see if there is a better sounding fit. Glad you enjoyed.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Lavender

Thu, 2023-09-21 22:29

In The Moment

Hello, Carrie,
So funny that you mentioned your musical gift coming through in your poetry. As I was reading this, it felt very much like "These Dreams" by Heart. Mysterious, dreamlike - fleeting.
Thank you!
L

RoseBlack

Fri, 2023-09-22 07:35