Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.


Misty morning fog.
Damp air against my skin.
Fallen branches across the exit.
Have I missed the message again?

Mercyful Fate plays in the background,
as I look at the dirt below.
I come so often but do you hear me?
Father I didn't know.

Do you listen as I cry?
Wanting nothing more than to die.
Begging to take this internal pain away.
I have no desire to stay.

The merry go round of torment spins mournfully,
while the horses swing up and down.
Fire licks my legs as I struggle to get free.
Jumping into the flames is the only way out.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.


The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of despair and longing. The use of natural elements like "Misty morning fog" and "Fallen branches" in the first stanza sets a solemn tone that is carried throughout the poem. Additionally, the reference to the band Mercyful Fate adds a layer of personal connection, suggesting the speaker's emotional state is reflected in the music they listen to.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. While the second and fourth lines of each stanza sometimes rhyme, this is not consistently applied. Establishing a more regular rhythm and rhyme scheme could enhance the musicality of the poem and make it more engaging for the reader.

The metaphor of the "merry go round of torment" is a powerful image, but it could be developed further. For example, the poem could explore how this merry go round is operated or what it looks like to provide a deeper understanding of the speaker's suffering.

The poem's exploration of the speaker's relationship with their father is intriguing, but it could be expanded upon. The lines "I come so often but do you hear me? / Father I didn't know" suggest a complex relationship, but the poem does not delve into this further. Providing more details about this relationship could add depth to the poem and make the speaker's despair more understandable.

Finally, the poem's ending is quite abrupt. The speaker's decision to "jump into the flames" is a dramatic conclusion, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. Providing more build-up to this decision or exploring its aftermath could make the ending more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to

Knows who Mercyful Fate is....I'm impressed


author comment

...of metaphor in this lament. One of your more developed drafts. Let's hope you work on this to bring out its full potential.
My first impression of S1 was of someone looking out a second floor window during a rainy night.

The fading in and out of rhyming lines gives this piece an interesting flow.

S4,L2 would be tighter if you replaced "swing" with "gallop" or something that describes the undulating motion of the horses more accurately.

I will definitely follow this one, RoseBlack.


. like my lost dreams...the flood

Thomas! I will review your suggestions and edit.


author comment

so much said in metaphor, but readily understood. I would like to know where the "place" is. Is it a window? ~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Spent some time there this morning after I had my car looked at since it was really early. Sat in the car in front of my bio dads grave because it was misting with this one song playing over and over.


author comment
(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.