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H.A.P.P.Y.
How your voice became everything I needed to hear
An accidental meeting formed an unlikely pair
Pleasure was but a fantasy until I became lost in your arms
Placing your soul safely within my heart
You changed me, without knowing, from the start
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I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-11-07 22:52
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem, "H.A.P.P.Y.," presents a narrative of a transformative relationship, which is a common and relatable theme in poetry. The use of an acrostic format is a creative approach, but it could be more effectively utilized if the chosen word (in this case, "HAPPY") was more directly connected to the content of the poem. The current narrative seems to focus more on the transformative power of love rather than happiness per se.
The first line, "How your voice became everything I needed to hear," is a strong opening, as it immediately introduces the subject and the speaker's emotional connection to it. However, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery to further illustrate this connection. For instance, what is it about the voice that is so captivating? Is it the tone, the words spoken, or perhaps the emotions it conveys?
The second line, "An accidental meeting formed an unlikely pair," could be more impactful if it provided more details about this meeting. What made it accidental? What makes the pair unlikely? Providing these details can help the reader better understand the relationship and its significance.
The third and fourth lines, "Pleasure was but a fantasy until I became lost in your arms / Placing your soul safely within my heart," introduce a physical and spiritual intimacy between the speaker and the subject. However, these lines could be more effective if they delved deeper into the speaker's emotions and experiences. How did it feel to be lost in the subject's arms? What does it mean to place someone's soul within one's heart?
The final line, "You changed me, without knowing, from the start," effectively concludes the poem by summarizing the impact of the relationship on the speaker. However, it could be more powerful if it provided specific examples of how the speaker has changed.
Overall, the poem has a strong emotional core and a clear narrative, but could benefit from more specific imagery and details to further engage the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Clentin
Tue, 2023-11-07 18:04
Good poem, Rose I liked your
Good poem, Rose I liked your success with another! Form right on, great job!
RoseBlack
Tue, 2023-11-07 18:43
Thanks Clentin
These challenges have been fun! Glad you enjoyed
~RoseBlack~
Ruby Lord
Wed, 2023-11-08 05:22
This was really good. The
This was really good. The build up is handled well considering how short the form is and the ending ties it off perfectly. Well done, Ruby :) x
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
RoseBlack
Wed, 2023-11-08 07:35
Thank you
As always, I appreciate your comment and critique. This was a fun little write.
~RoseBlack~
Geezer
Wed, 2023-11-08 08:58
If ever...
the AI misses the point when it comes to emotion. Happy is what you get when you find love. I do see its' point, but I think that if you look deeper, you will find that this writer sounds happy! ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Wed, 2023-11-08 09:10
I think
AI just wants to know more about what triggers these poems. He is always asking me for more details...but then it would read like a narrative and miss the whole point of it being a poem. I thought this made the reader sound happy. Maybe I should have thrown in some exclamation points?
~RoseBlack~
Clentin
Fri, 2024-01-12 16:19
Your comments are right on. I
Your comments are right on. I feel the same way. Who is to say what images are to be expressed better than the poet and the images they present.
Great poem.
Lavender
Wed, 2023-11-08 13:30
H.A.P.PY.
Hello, Carrie,
Happy, yes, but I mostly felt the overwhelming gratitude in feeling this way. So wonderful!
Lx
RoseBlack
Wed, 2023-11-08 13:55
Thank you
I did my best with HAPPY but yes definitely gratitude and relief because it wasn't something I was used to feeling. Glad you enjoyed.
~RoseBlack~
Alex Tanner
Wed, 2023-11-08 16:44
Happy.
Very enjoyable read Rose. I agree with your comments on Al. I am always amused to read his comments on other works. He generally misses the point of what the type and style of the work is. I have stopped using him, Give me a persons comments anyday. Alex.
RoseBlack
Wed, 2023-11-08 19:12
Thank you
Glad you enjoyed and agree on AI. Thank you for the read and comment.
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Wed, 2023-11-08 18:05
dear Carrie,
AI, does not understand emotion. period. I read your poem and as I was reading, I thought, (this is exquisite!!!) I love it. you seem to be coming in to your own person. I really like how your mind works! keep on keepin' on!
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Wed, 2023-11-08 19:12
Thank you
Happy is not an emotion I resonate with but this felt like a good write. Thank you for all your positive feedback. It is always appreciated.
~RoseBlack~
RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-11-10 03:10
Thanks Mark!
It was a fun little write and a true challenge because happy is not something I do very well.
~RoseBlack~
RoseBlack
Tue, 2023-11-14 14:13
Sometimes
It is a challenge to write happy all in itself
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Tue, 2023-11-14 11:04
dear Carrie,
this poem was a pleasure to reread! good feelings abound!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Tue, 2023-11-14 14:12
Thanks Cat
These challenges have been fun!
~RoseBlack~
Leslie
Wed, 2023-12-06 22:38
Rose
This was beautiful although you may have struggled
to write it. Well done in my book!
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
RoseBlack
Wed, 2023-12-06 23:17
Thanks John
I am glad you enjoyed it! As always thank you for the comment and read.
~RoseBlack~
Jokerface82
Sat, 2023-12-16 08:17
Well done
Very good
RoseBlack
Sat, 2023-12-16 15:31
Thank you
Glad you enjoyed
~RoseBlack~
William Lynn
Sat, 2023-12-16 18:54
Well said, well written and
Well said, well written and an enjoyable read. A special someone is very lucky.
RoseBlack
Sat, 2023-12-16 19:26
Thank you William
For your kind words and read.
~RoseBlack~
Leslie
Sat, 2023-12-16 20:53
GREAT POEM!
Affectionate, soft, nearly a lullaby!
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
RoseBlack
Sat, 2023-12-16 20:59
Thanks John
Glad you enjoyed. Thank you for the read!
~RoseBlack~