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Bite Marks and Bed Sheets (By Request) (explicit content)
By the blood moon's light
Over the window sill
He crept; a shadow of darkness
Master of chaos and fright
Molten-esque breath against my neck
Shivers plummeting down my spine
Glowing eyes that hypnotize
Behind honey-glazed vocals saying I'll be fine
Sliding his hand behind my head
Twisting strands of hair around crooked finger tips
Quivering with anticipation, I fell into a trance
His other hand pulling me into his hips
Forked tongue darting between velvet lips
Strangling mine with every kiss
The sound of blood rushing through my ears
As he let out a gutteral hiss
Bite marks and bed sheets
Two emaciated souls
Burned from the unmistakable heat
Lost in each other's desires
Back through the window he crept
All the while I wept
Too far apart to stay
Too close to keep away
Comments
neopoet
Thu, 2023-11-30 05:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Bite Marks and Bed Sheets (By Request)" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and sensory language, effectively immersing the reader in the scene. The use of phrases such as "Molten-esque breath against my neck" and "Forked tongue darting between velvet lips" creates vivid, tactile sensations that heighten the emotional intensity of the piece.
The poem also employs a consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme, which contributes to its overall flow and readability. However, the meter is occasionally disrupted, as in the line "His other hand pulling me into his hips". The rhythm could be improved by rephrasing or restructuring such lines.
The narrative structure of the poem is clear, with a discernible progression from the initial encounter to the aftermath. The repeated motif of the window serves to bookend the narrative and reinforces the themes of transgression and departure.
The poem could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of its themes. The emotional dynamics between the speaker and the other character are primarily conveyed through physical descriptions, and the psychological aspects of their relationship could be further developed. For instance, the lines "All the while I wept / Too far apart to stay / Too close to keep away" suggest a complex emotional response that could be elaborated upon.
Additionally, the use of clichéd phrases such as "blood moon's light" and "shadow of darkness" detracts from the originality of the poem. Replacing these with more unique expressions could enhance the poem's distinctiveness and impact.
Overall, the poem demonstrates a strong grasp of sensory language and narrative structure, but could be improved by refining its rhythm, deepening its exploration of themes, and avoiding clichéd language.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Thu, 2023-11-30 08:45
I loved it...
Bad thoughts for an evil night, what more can you ask for?
Well done, ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Thu, 2023-11-30 08:58
Thanks Geez
Hot but tasteful!! Glad you enjoyed.
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Thu, 2023-11-30 08:54
Dear Carrie,
WOW! The heat is so intense that it comes off the screen as molten hot. A palpable vortex to suck the reader down into its embrace. I cannot choose favorite lines as the whole poem is so great! But I like both beginning and ending...
*ever, eddy styx
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Thu, 2023-11-30 08:59
Thanks Cat
Glad you enjoyed! It was definitely hot...thank you as always for your critique and comments.
~RoseBlack~
Lavender
Thu, 2023-11-30 09:31
Bite Marks and Bed Sheets
Hello, Carrie,
So good I don't dare think about it too much! :) Honey-glazed vocals really stood out to me.
Very well written!
L
RoseBlack
Thu, 2023-11-30 10:31
Hi L
I'm glad you enjoyed...a little spicy but good! Thank you for your reading and comments as always.
~RoseBlack~
Ruby Lord
Fri, 2023-12-01 06:52
This is very powerful and it
This is very powerful and it carried me from beginning to end.
Your imagery is excellent and I could picture the scene as if it was playing before me with your words.
One little point is this line: "Through the window sill"
Should this be, "Over the window sill" ?
Great poem and as ever, you Rose (Black) to the challenge. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-12-01 07:19
Thank you Ruby
I agree that one line would make more sense your way. Glad you enjoyed. As always I appreciate your comments and critique as well as high praise.
~RoseBlack~
Ruby Lord
Fri, 2023-12-01 08:13
You're too kind, but very
You're too kind, but very much appreciated. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Alex Tanner
Fri, 2023-12-01 13:17
Bite Marks.
Well Rose, I've read this several times now. I read it as an actor saying lines from a play and while I like poems to rhyme I don't concern myself much with that, only how they read. I put the punctuation, pauses and breaks where I feel they should go as I read and if it makes sense then the work is right. This makes sense... now on to the next. Alex
RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-12-01 15:18
Hi Alex
I usually hear it in my head being read as a narrative and I can hear the different characters etc. I've been working on trying to improve my poetry skills. Glad this made sense to you.
~RoseBlack~
Jokerface82
Sun, 2023-12-17 15:41
I enjoyed this
Dark and erotica loved it. Titles cool to well done
RoseBlack
Sun, 2023-12-17 16:15
Thank you
I never start a poem with a title...I write it out and it comes to me during the construction of the poem.
~RoseBlack~
Candlewitch
Thu, 2024-01-04 08:18
Blood Moon!
I love the Blood Moon!
*ever, eddy styx
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Thu, 2024-01-04 16:02
Hi Eddy
It's my favorite too!
~RoseBlack~