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The Purge

The siren blares,
one, two, three....
it's me, the last thing you'll see.
And sadly, no one cares.

Life put the gun in my hand,
a knife at my side,
with no where to hide,
before all is banned.

What was that you said?
Through stitched up lips,
bullet holes in your hips.
You'd rather be dead?.

Cool metal against your skin
betrayal is now a deadly sin,
punishing the offenders,
the great pretenders,

You'll never hurt anyone again.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
The last line is a single line on purpose
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "The Purge," presents a dark and violent narrative, using strong imagery and a consistent rhythm to convey its themes. However, there are elements that could be improved for clarity and impact.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the current images are strong, they are somewhat generic and could be more impactful with additional specificity. For instance, instead of "Life put the gun in my hand," the poem could delve into the circumstances that led to this moment, making the narrative more relatable and engaging.

Secondly, the poem's rhythm is consistent, but it could be more varied to add interest and emphasize certain points. For instance, the line "And sadly, no one cares" could be split into two lines to give more weight to the sentiment of indifference.

Thirdly, the poem's themes of violence and betrayal could be explored more deeply. The poem mentions these themes but does not delve into them in depth. Exploring the reasons behind the violence, the feelings of betrayal, and the consequences of these actions could add depth and complexity to the poem.

Finally, the poem's ending could be more impactful. The current ending, "You'll never hurt anyone again," is a strong statement, but it could be even more powerful with additional context or a twist that surprises the reader.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and with some refinement, it could be even more engaging and impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

This is a very powerful write. The words are a precise and controlled mater of fact aimed weapon. Cool, almost cold. this person is a warrior! I like it very much. You have caused me to remember that words have power! Excellent!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

You are correct that this is a very matter of fact piece. Pointed at those who feel they have a right to destroy others for their own selfish gain. Glad you enjoyed

~RoseBlack~

author comment

I agree with Cat! Very powerful words and very well done.

Glad you enjoyed

~RoseBlack~

author comment

It is unfortunate, but we are living in a target-rich environment for this weapon that you've crafted. It is so hard to decide where to begin.

Thanx,
Steve

It is hard to decide but I have a good idea where I would start. Karma just doesn't seem to move fast enough and these individuals are so good at what they do, no one sees it until it is too late.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

A pithy write, there was a film The Purge, don't know if there was an influence from that ? nice poem short and brutish

Just my own thoughts about if a purge really did occur...and yes every rose has its thorn...

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Great poem, back to the dark side of life. I enjoyed your poem very much!

Always return to the dark side...it's my home

~RoseBlack~

author comment

I missed this one, but I am glad that it won poem of the week, so that it was brought to my attention. I know that feeling of wanting to deal out punishment to the offenders. It does seem like they never get what they have coming. Brutal, but could be a little more graphic. Killer really likes this one. ~Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

I agree it could be more graphic but AI tends to get upset with me when I unleash the bad side. Sometimes karma doesn't feel like it moves quick enough allowing people to reoffend. I really think the purge should be a thing.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

...I never really associated with your writing. Sometimes, people get unruly to handle or just too damned ingrained, if you know what I mean. Dystopia is a real thing, just visit some cities in Ukraine. I am reminded of a song, (I don't remember it now), with the words "and brother, could you spare another war" or something like that. But it's true, there can be little love for those that prey on others and urge others to do the same. It seems like a form of insanity...maybe one day...
Anyway, I like the rhyme scheme and the rhythm is cool. Perhaps you'll develop this more for impact?
Congrats!

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

For the read and comment. I may try and play with this and see if I can further develop it. I try not to get into too lengthy of a poem because it tends to lose the readers attention.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Hello Rose.

Sorry that I missed this poem and didn't comment. That said, a well crafted poem and congratulations on the WIN!! - Will

Glad you enjoyed it!!

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Lovely work! Congrats on your win. Can’t wait to read more of your work.

-hippiemoon

Welcome to Neo. Glad you could stop by and comment! I look forward to reading your works and seeing more of your comments.

~RoseBlack~

author comment
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