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Solitude
There was nothing
like the solitude
of the sea
To stand on deck,
with nothing all around
The heavens
Open above you.
Stars speckle
The sky
Seeing deeper
Into Space
Than possible on land
Quietness abounds
Just the rumble
of the engines
Beneath your feet
And the swish
Of the ocean
Under the hull.
God's awesomeness
is felt in
This solitude.
Life is old there
Life is good there.
A sailor on the sea.
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How was my language use?
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Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I used to stand on the flight deck and stare at wonder at the sky late at night. It is so peaceful, and awe inspiring. The vastness opens up before you and can be seen in such a way very few people get to experience it.
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Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-09-18 16:11
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Solitude" effectively uses imagery to convey the vastness and solitude of the sea. The lines "To stand on deck, with nothing all around" and "The heavens open above you" create a vivid picture of the isolation and expansiveness of the sea and sky. The use of the words "rumble" and "swish" also add a sensory dimension to the poem, allowing readers to hear the sounds of the sea voyage.
However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of punctuation. For example, the line "Stars speckle The sky" could use a comma after "speckle" to improve readability. Similarly, the line "God's awesomeness is felt in This solitude" could be improved by adding a comma after "in" to separate the two ideas.
The poem also introduces the idea of God's awesomeness being felt in the solitude of the sea. This is a significant concept that could be further developed. For instance, the poem could explore how the solitude of the sea allows for a deeper connection with the divine.
Lastly, the final lines "Life is old there Life is good there" could be clarified. It's unclear what is meant by "life is old there." Does this refer to the age of the sea itself, or the feeling of timelessness that one experiences at sea? Clarifying this could strengthen the poem's overall message.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Mon, 2023-09-18 10:52
Your title is...
good, fitting the theme.
Your language use is conducive to a silent night standing under a star studded sky.
Sailors on the sea, have been privileged to look upon a sky as black as coal and sprinkled
with silver dust sparkling in the night. I can almost feel the rumble of the mighty engines of
your ship. Nicely done, ~ Geezer.
.
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paul Bartoswicz
Mon, 2023-09-18 17:57
Thank you
Thank you very much. I am glad you enjoyed it
author commentLavender
Mon, 2023-09-18 13:43
Solitude
Hello, Paul,
Oh, my gosh. "Life is old there..." What an inviting and comforting thought. For me, that line and the title are so very soulful. I'd be tempted to change "you / your" to "me / my." This poem feels that precious.
Thank you,
L
paul Bartoswicz
Mon, 2023-09-18 17:59
Thank you
Thank you for your kind words. It is an awesome feeling standing on deck in the dark of night of a mighty warship, as it is darkened and you can see forever into space. The heavens take on a whole new perspective.
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