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Alone On The Mountain Peak

Submitted by paul Bartoswicz on Tue, 2023-08-29 18:15

I start out
From the valley deep,
Starting an adventure
That has been long awaited.
It is a pilgrimage,
Of sorts.
I make my way,
Along the wooded trail.
Flat at first,
As it wanders along,
Out of the valley floor.
I walk along,
Deep in thought,
Of the life I have lived.
The woods get thicker
and slightly more oppressive
And the sun is blocked out
As the trail climbs,
And I go higher.
Roots and rocks
Line my path.
I watch my footing,
So not to stumble.
A dank moist feeling
To the woods now,
And the air is heavy.
Across the river I go
While it makes its way to the sea,
And I go
The other way..
The trail grows steeper,
My legs feel heavy,
And my breath grows labored.
Deeper and deeper
Into the wood I go.

Higher ever higher
Away from the civilization
That has tried to consume me.
Freedom growing,
In every step I take,
Throwing off the bonds,
That have held me down..
Feeling lighter with every step
My burdens shifting away.
All my worries,
Sloughing off of me,
Higher I climb,
Even higher,
With each step.
The deep dank forest,
Starts to give way.
The trail gets steeper,
Yet I press on.
The mighty spruce forest,
Slowly turns,
Into scrubby brush.
As I emerge from the darkness,
Into the light,
And the trail grows rockier.
I can see my destination,
There, up ahead.
Keeping my eye on the goal,
Not much further, And it will be mine.
My spirit soars,
The higher I go.
Suddenly I am there,
My destination reached,
And I find myself,
Floating free,
Away from the worries,
That have been burdening me.
I have found myself,
Alone on the mountain peak,
And in a sense
Born again.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-08-30 00:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Alone On The Mountain Peak" effectively uses the metaphor of a mountain climb to represent a personal journey of self-discovery and liberation. The narrative structure of the poem, which follows the speaker's ascent from the valley to the mountain peak, provides a clear and engaging storyline for the reader.

However, the poem could benefit from more precise and evocative language. For example, phrases like "the woods get thicker" and "the trail grows steeper" could be replaced with more descriptive language that paints a vivid image in the reader's mind.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. Instead of directly stating that the speaker is "deep in thought," "throwing off the bonds," or "feeling lighter with every step," the poem could use imagery, metaphor, or other poetic devices to convey these states of mind indirectly. This would allow the reader to infer the speaker's emotional journey, which could make the poem more engaging and impactful.

The repetition of phrases such as "I go higher" and "the trail grows steeper" can be effective in emphasizing the speaker's determination and progress. However, too much repetition can also make the poem feel monotonous. Varying the language and sentence structure could help maintain the reader's interest throughout the poem.

Lastly, the poem could explore the speaker's motivations and emotions in more depth. The speaker's goal of reaching the mountain peak is clear, but the reasons for this goal and the feelings associated with it are not fully developed. Providing more insight into the speaker's inner world could add complexity and depth to the poem.

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