Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Sailor

Submitted by paul Bartoswicz on Mon, 2023-09-04 11:39

To feel the rhythmic pulse
Of the engines beneath our feet,
The heart beat of the mighty lady.
The smell of the salt air
In everything we touch,
Forever inscribed on our brains.
The rocking and swaying
Of the ship on the waves,
We walk with a swagger.

Sailing into harm’s way
To protect those
We leave behind.
At the claxon’s sound
Feet pounding
For the stations, they
Must duly man,
Not knowing what
May behold us.
Reveille in the morning
Sets us on our day
And toil for hours
Keeping the behemoth
On its course
To taps at night
When weary bones
Set to rest
And energize
For another day.
But the ship itself
Does never sleep
And those who man her
Must always be on guard,
For the sea
Is a dangerous mistress
And no place
To completely relax.
An open ear,
Always tuned to danger,
Even when we rest.
A sharp eye
Looking fore and aft.
And even when many sleep
There are those who toil
To keep her straight and true.
The ocean
She calls,
And to those who hear,
Will find a cruel mistress
Who takes from all,
And grudgingly gives back.
But the fresh breeze,
And the and the wide-open horizon,
The unobstructed stars
That act as our guide,
To those trained to
Steer by them.
Our blood is full
Of the salt she bleeds
From the awesome sea.
The sailor
Is on guard today.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I am struggling with the title. As not all sailors are fighting men, so I am trying to convey the Life of a Navy Man
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-09-04 17:40

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem successfully conveys the life of a sailor and the relationship between the sailor and the sea. However, it could benefit from a more consistent use of metaphor and imagery to further enhance the emotional depth and complexity of this relationship.

The poem begins with a strong use of sensory imagery, such as "feel the rhythmic pulse" and "smell of the salt air", which effectively immerses the reader in the sailor's world. However, this use of sensory imagery is not consistently maintained throughout the poem. For instance, the stanza that begins with "Reveille in the morning" could benefit from more sensory details to help the reader visualize and feel the sailor's daily routine.

The metaphor of the sea as a "dangerous mistress" is compelling, but it could be developed further to add more depth to the poem. For example, the poem could explore why the sea is a "cruel mistress" and what this means for the sailor. This could be achieved by incorporating more specific examples or anecdotes from the sailor's experiences.

The poem's structure could also be improved for better readability. Some lines are longer than others, which disrupts the rhythm of the poem. Consistent line lengths could help maintain a steady rhythm and improve the flow of the poem.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more careful use of punctuation. There are several instances where punctuation is missing or used inconsistently, such as the line "And the and the wide-open horizon,". Proper punctuation can help clarify the meaning of the poem and guide the reader through its rhythm and pace.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2023-09-04 17:27

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

a Navy man, if not a Sailor? That's where everyone starts off, as a "Sailor".
I would look for another word to replace [behold]. in use, it is "Behold, I have come" or as "It was a sight to behold, not as behold us. ~Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.