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Twisted Christmas

Submitted by RoseBlack on Thu, 2023-12-07 18:14

T'was the night before Christmas,
Papa Noir's firing up the hearse.
The back's filled with a coffin shaped sack.
A happy Holiday curse!

The skeletons dangled
from the closet with cheer.
In hopes their final ride
would soon be near.

The halls are decked
with fingers and toes.
Even the demons stopped by
to kiss the Mistlehoe!

Cookies laced with arsenic
followed by a vodka chaser.
The party's just begun.
His festive bag encased her!

"Quiet down!" He grumbled.
Dragging her to the door.
"You should've suffocated by now."
The skeletons dropped to the floor.

His little secret; buried deep.
So in love with him, she didn't see,
Blinded by a wounded heart,
now part of his poison pine tree.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

Neopoem Of The Week 12/03/23 TO 12/09/23

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-12-08 00:20

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, "Twisted Christmas," employs a dark and macabre twist on traditional Christmas imagery, creating a unique and chilling atmosphere. The use of rhyme and rhythm is consistent, contributing to the overall flow of the piece.

However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. Firstly, the narrative could be clearer. While the dark and eerie atmosphere is well-established, the story being told is somewhat obscured. It might be beneficial to provide more context or explanation to help the reader understand the events and characters in the poem.

Secondly, the use of language could be more precise. For instance, in the line "The skeletons dangled from the closet with cheer," the word 'cheer' seems out of place given the overall tone of the poem. A more fitting word could enhance the dark atmosphere.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structures. Most lines in the poem are of similar length and structure, which can make the poem feel monotonous. Varying the sentence structure could add interest and unpredictability to the poem.

In conclusion, while the poem successfully creates a unique and eerie atmosphere, improvements could be made in the areas of narrative clarity, language precision, and sentence structure variety.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Unca Fez

Thu, 2023-12-07 20:40

Wow! An eddy Christmas Poem

Several chuckles throughout the poem. I loved it. Nice twist at the end, too.

Thanx,
Steve

RoseBlack

Thu, 2023-12-07 21:00

Thanks Steve

I am glad a little dark humor brought some smiles and laughs to you. I am waiting to see how Eddy likes it. Thank you for the read and comment.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Ruby Lord

Fri, 2023-12-08 06:27

This is so wicked and I loved

This is so wicked and I loved it. It made me chuckle, but my first read I missed this, caught it on the second read and chuckled some more. Well done, loved it. Ruby :)
Even the demons stopped by
to kiss the Mistlehoe!

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

RoseBlack

Fri, 2023-12-08 06:30

Hi Ruby

Glad this wicked Christmas tale could bring a smile to your face. A little dark lightheartedness for sure! Thank you for the read and comment.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2023-12-08 06:38

Dear Carrie,

This dark poem is 'Tip Top!'. I feel this way about The Holidays, too! I will watch for changes! wishing everyone a Very Dreary Christmas! LOL!

I could not choose favorite lines...

*ever, eddy
*love Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Fri, 2023-12-08 07:33

Thanks Cat and Eddy

I was hoping the two of you would approve! I am not sure about changes. I kind of like this the way it is. This holiday season has been a particularly difficult for me so this was a lighthearted way of dealing with it

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2023-12-08 16:43