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A strange story

Saw an old lady knitting on the metro today.
She saw that I was staring and stared back at me.
If that is what you can truly call it.
Her eyes were white and not glaucoma white.
It was like staring into the white space of the Milky Way.

She started humming, my hands started trembling, and my mind began rumbling.
I was transported to a different time,
I was sent back to plantation times.
Wearing all white and sitting on a porch
Hugging myself so tight, and rocking back and forth.

Staring off into the distance at a rickety old barn.
Hearing chains and screams and screams and chains violently tussling.
Finally, the door opened and a white man appeared exhausted and finished
Sweaty and musky.

A black women laid on the ground ruffled so small as if she shook herself under the dirt and diminished all together.
In a beige and blood stained frock
She was uttering a low curdling moan.
Blinking back tears I was stuck staring and
I could see her ebony black eyes staring back at me.

Cut me deep in my soul, and transported me back to a different time.
A bustling train station platform seconds away from the doors being opened.
And I, myself, impatiently hurried, as the old lady gingerly boarded.

I looked down at my hands, and
saw my skin turned to the ugliest savage kind of white I ever seen in my life, and it started peeling away.
Flashes of my lightest brown grandmother’s blue-grey eyes passed by and hauntingly stared back at me.

As I started walking to another train car I felt my back stricken.
Each step felt like my legs were bounded by 40 pounds of chains.
Each metro stopped felt like being trapped and let out at an auction block.

I could even smell musky and sweaty in the suffocating laden air.
Sorrow and fear so heavy at the next stop the door opened and I started running.
As the last train cart passed I turned and saw the old lady staring back at me
Only this time her eyes were normal.

Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, "A Strange Story," presents a vivid narrative with a strong emotional undercurrent. It uses descriptive language effectively to transport the reader into the scenes it presents. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Consistency in Tense: The poem switches between past and present tense, which can be disorienting for the reader. For example, "Saw an old lady knitting on the metro today" is in past tense, while "I am not talking about glaucoma white" is in present tense. Maintaining a consistent tense throughout the poem could help improve the flow and readability.

2. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult to understand the intended rhythm and pauses. Adding punctuation could help clarify the intended reading of the poem.

3. Imagery and Metaphor: While the poem uses strong imagery and metaphor, some of the descriptions could be refined for clarity. For example, "my skin turned to the ugliest savage kind of white I ever seen in my life, and it started peeling away" could be more effectively conveyed with more precise language.

4. Structure: The poem could benefit from a more consistent structure. The lines vary significantly in length and rhythm, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising the poem to create a more consistent rhythm and line length.

5. Show, Don't Tell: The poem often tells the reader what is happening rather than showing it through imagery and metaphor. For example, "I was transported to a different time" could be shown through the images and sensations of the time period rather than directly stated.

6. Clarity of Message: The poem's message could be made clearer. While the poem presents a series of vivid scenes, it's not always clear how these scenes connect to each other or what overall message they are intended to convey. Consider revising the poem to clarify its overarching theme or message.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to

to be a nightmare, and quite a strange story indeed.
I would suggest that you try to puzzle it out and figure out what the meaning is.
I am a great believer in dreams, not so much as a prophesy or portend, as much as
I think that dreams are the sub-conscious mind trying to get in touch with the concious.
Your sub-conscious is trying hard to tell you about something.

There are a few things I think need addressing; [tousling] refers to something done with
a person's hair nothing to do with chains.

[Ruffled] so small? Again, ruffled pertains to hair, or something blowing, brushing through one's hair or a sheaf of grass.

[Curdling] should be used with a subject like milk, blood or some liquid that lumps and clots.

Your language use is fair, but you need to research unfamiliar words.
The theme is certainly right on, as far as strange stories go.
The beginning captured my attention right away, and the ending was as mysterious as the beginning.
Of course, the logic is not there, as it is a strange story.
Other than the use of unfamilair words, you did a good job. ~ Geezer.

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Typically it is a blood curdling scream but I wanted it to be a low curdling moan instead it’s a leap but hey try it once see if it flies. Meant tussling not tousling spelling error good eye. Clothes can be ruffled, so not changing that because if that act were to happen her clothes would be sadly disheveled. This time in America history definitely was a nightmare. The meaning is the remembrance of the terror experienced. The past generation were survivors despite cruelty, and she looks normal at the end, meaning after I actually witnessed first hand the horror she (and her story) will not be forgotten. Thanks for reading and critiquing.

author comment

welcome, Glad to help. ~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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