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someday
Stone-cold, in the Earth, I will lie someday,
while the Moon and Stars and the Milky Way
will glow o’er the trees and the White Snowdrop,
and the Wild West Wind and the World won’t stop.
Bleached white, all my bones, in the grave they’ll lay,
while the sand on the shore and the ocean’s spray
will whisper and sigh in a salt sea shell,
a secret they'll share; to the trees they’ll tell:
“Asleep he will be till the World will end,
but then he’ll awake and with wings ascend.
For he will arise at the Lord’s command,
like gods, from the stars, on the Earth he’ll stand!”
Stone-cold in the Earth, but I’ll rise someday,
when the Moon and Stars and the Milky Way
won’t glow o’er the trees and the White Snowdrop,
when the Wild West Wind and the World will stop.
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
just thinking...
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2023-02-25 15:52
Yeah...
Someday we will all lie in the earth and molder in the dirt, bleached bones of white. Your language use is good, the rhythm and pace is great and the theme is one that many ponder. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-02-26 07:05
someday
Many thanks, Geezer
KBloor
author commentCandlewitch
Sat, 2023-02-25 16:08
hello Blue,
your title reached out to me. your language use is splendid! I think this poem could be lyrics for a song! I loved these lines:
Stone-cold in the Earth, but I’ll rise someday,
when the Moon and Stars and the Milky Way
won’t glow o’er the trees and the White Snowdrop,
when the Wild West Wind and the World will stop.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-02-26 07:22
someday
Thank you, C, for your encouraging comments on my poor little rhymes, lyrics even?
KBloor
author commentLavender
Sat, 2023-02-25 20:58
someday
Hello, Blue-eyed,
There is some very poetic language here, especially the second stanza - the elements of the sea whispering to the trees. Such a lovely concept. I tripped just a bit with the last line of that stanza. "...will their secret share; to the trees they'll tell." Perhaps "to share with the trees a secret they'll tell." (?) Just a suggestion. It's nice the way the first and last stanza almost mirror each other, bringing the poem full circle.
Thank you!
L
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-02-26 07:02
someday
Many thanks, L. Yeah, I changed that line - thanks for your advice. Again, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my poor littler rhymes.
KBloor
author commentLavender
Sun, 2023-02-26 09:49
Hello!
I really like the change you made. Flows really well! Your poetry reveals your commitment to both structure and meaning. Your language is genuine to your wonderful style, and your rhythm and rhyme are tight and logical. So nicely done.
L
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-02-26 12:53
someday
Thank you L. There's a lot goes into a poem: The initial feeling and inspiration, the rhythm, the meter, the rhyme and flow.
KBloor
author commentSeren
Sun, 2023-02-26 07:20
Dear KB
This would make an amazing song Imo, I think when I read peoples poetry "Oh of all their poetry, this is my favourite poem of theirs", meaning you in this case and then you go and write this, I absolutely love it, I think the rhythm and language are superb,
Stone-cold in the Earth, but I’ll rise someday,
when the Moon and Stars and the Milky Way
won’t glow o’er the trees and the White Snowdrop,
when the Wild West Wind and the World will stop.
I love that stanza! its sublime!
love Jayne
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Blue-eyed Bolla
Sun, 2023-02-26 07:21
someday
Many thanks, Jayne, for taking the time to read and comment on my poor little rhymes.
KBloor
author commentSeren
Sun, 2023-02-26 07:22
They're anything but ;)
They're anything but ;)
hugs Jayne x
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats