Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Judas Tree

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Mon, 2024-01-22 12:40

In summer, melancholic mist
floats friendless ‘cross the fertile fields,
as he looks lonely and unkissed,
and to his dread depression yields.

By noon, when dreary darkness falls,
he hears a soulful, singing bird.
From tree to tree the creature calls.
Last sound, he knows, that will be heard.

Above, the shrouded, silent sun
stands still, or so it seems to be.
Below, this dismal devil’s son
swings slowly on his Judas-Tree.

At dusk, when all sweet dreams expire,
his empty, traitor's heart grows cold.
And thoughts, once fed with Jesus-fire,
turn grey the season’s gleaming gold.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

for traitors

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-01-22 18:40

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Judas Tree" effectively creates a melancholic atmosphere through its imagery and language. The use of personification in describing the mist as "melancholic" and the sun as "shrouded" adds depth to the emotions conveyed. The repetition of the theme of loneliness and betrayal, as seen in the references to being "unkissed" and the "dismal devil's son," further enhances the overall tone of the poem.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the sentence structure and rhythm to create a more dynamic flow. Currently, the poem consists mainly of simple sentences, which can lead to a monotonous reading experience. Experimenting with different sentence lengths and structures could add more musicality and engage the reader on a deeper level.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from further exploration of the central metaphor of the Judas tree. While the imagery of the tree and its association with betrayal is intriguing, it would be helpful to provide more context or explanation to enhance

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

MermaidMaster

Mon, 2024-01-22 16:52

beautiful rhymes and rhythm!

Geezer

Mon, 2024-01-22 17:44

Great rhyme...

and rhythm. In the first line of the second stanza, I would switch out the word, [By] with [Past]. To me, the mention of noon brings full daylight, not darkness. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Mon, 2024-01-22 22:00

Judas Tree

This has exceptional imagery describing, I believe, Good Friday. But not from the standpoint of the crucifixion of Jesus, but the result of the actions of Judas, the betrayer. The darkness falling over the earth, Judas hanging from what came to be known as the "Judas Tree" and the feeling of all hope being lost at dusk. A lot of detail here - I am really curious about the references to the seasons - summer, and I'm assuming, fall, "...turn grey the season's gleaming gold." This is very heavy: in content, language, and imagery. The alliteration adds to its depth. One other thing: this feels like it's not just speaking about Judas, but mankind in general.
L

Alex Tanner

Tue, 2024-01-23 05:34

Powerful

A powerful piece that needs to read aloud, in company. Alex.

Neopoet

Judas Tree