Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Some Sweet Saviour

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Fri, 2023-12-08 02:32

In my fragile youth he found me shaking,
like a loveless lily growing wild.
He touched my hollow heart, already breaking,
and nurtured me, his naked, nameless child.

To my eyes he blazed like vision blinding;
beautiful in feature, form and face;
fellowship with him and friendship finding;
I grew up on godliness and grace.

Till those clouds of glory I’d been trailing
died, one day, as Queen Aurora rose.
The youth in me, turned man, whose faith was failing
felt no more, my feelings all had froze.

Then the years flew by and I grew bolder,
damning him a dark, demented dream.
Coward I became, with conscience colder,
I sacrificed him, sold him down the stream.

In my final years, with twilight falling;
I would sell my soul, not count the cost,
to hear the voice of some sweet saviour calling,
like the long-lamented one I lost.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-12-08 08:32

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Some Sweet Saviour" portrays a journey of faith, doubt, and longing for redemption. The imagery and emotions conveyed are powerful, and the structure of the poem is consistent. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened.

Firstly, consider the use of metaphors and similes. While the poem contains some effective comparisons, such as "like a loveless lily growing wild," there are instances where the metaphors could be more vivid or original. For example, in the line "beautiful in feature, form and face," the description feels somewhat generic. Consider exploring unique and evocative imagery to enhance the impact of your words.

Additionally, the poem's rhythm and meter could be refined. While there is an overall consistency in the structure, there are moments where the flow feels slightly disrupted. Pay attention to the syllabic patterns and consider revising certain lines to ensure a smoother rhythm throughout.

Lastly, the poem's conclusion could be more impactful. The

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.