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L' Chaim! (To Life!)

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sun, 2024-04-28 08:50

My mind's a maze of melancholic madness.
My soul's a sack of sentimental sadness.
It's time I shed self pity's
sombre shell,
and stepped outside my solitary cell!

The springtime songs outside my door are ringing.
The songbirds swoop,
non-stop: their sound of singing.
I dare not squelch with sorrow's baleful breath
the celebrants of life that conquers death!

My mind's made up, there's life, so let's start hoping.
Begone, this cringing crock of callous coping!
I grasped and groaned, but now it's time to give.
Was busy dying, now it's time to live!

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
a poem of springtime hope
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-04-28 14:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "L' Chaim! (To Life!)" effectively conveys a journey from melancholy to embracing life with hope and optimism. The use of alliteration and rhyme scheme adds a musical quality to the poem. The imagery of a "maze of melancholic madness" and a "sack of sentimental sadness" effectively captures the initial feelings of despair. The contrast between the sorrowful beginning and the hopeful resolution is clear and impactful.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the rhythm and meter throughout the poem to create more dynamic pacing. This could help to further engage the reader and enhance the emotional impact of the poem's message. Additionally, exploring more vivid and specific imagery could strengthen the overall impact of the poem and make the emotional journey even more compelling for the reader.

Overall, "L' Chaim! (To Life!)" is a poignant exploration of overcoming despair and embracing the beauty of life. With some adjustments to rhythm, meter, and imagery, the poem has the

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Geezer

Sun, 2024-04-28 10:10

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the castle's courtyards abloom in the hedgerows
tulips everywhere, the gardens vegetable blooms, blue and orange.
Like a Disney real-life animation! I did embrace the theme, and so I applaud your enthusiasm for my favorite season.
~ Geez.
.

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tyro

Sun, 2024-04-28 14:28

I can see a lot of work went into this poem, it's almost sculptered. the alliterations are a joy. Its hard, but I will limit myself to three:
1." My mind's a maze of melancholic madness."
2. shed self pity's
sombre shell
3. this cringing crock of callous coping!

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

Leslie

Sun, 2024-04-28 17:35

Leslie's picture

I LOVED THIS, IT IS HOPEFUL. IF ONLY I COULD PERMANENTLY PULL IT OFF, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT WE WERE EVER MENT TO BE INDEFINATELY HAPPY. WHAT WOULD THE PURPOSE BE? LIVE ON!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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