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In Winter

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Fri, 2023-11-03 12:57

In winter, as the freezing mist
floats friendless ‘cross the frozen field,
I lay down lonely and unkissed,
and to my dread depression yield.

The shrouded, silent, silver sun
stands still, or so it seems to me.
And in my mind I dare to run
away from God’s eternity.

By noon, when dreary darkness falls,
I hear a soulful singing bird.
From tree to tree the creature calls.
He hopes, by one, he will be heard.

At dusk, when all sweet dreams expire,
my empty, aching heart grows cold.
And thoughts, once fed with summer's fire,
turn grey that season’s gleaming gold.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

sad syndrome

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-11-03 19:00

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "In Winter" captures a sense of loneliness and despair in the winter season. The imagery of the freezing mist, the silent sun, and the empty, aching heart effectively convey a somber mood. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from more specific and vivid descriptions. Instead of using general terms like "freezing mist" and "frozen field," consider incorporating sensory details that paint a clearer picture in the reader's mind. For example, you could describe the mist as "icy tendrils" or the field as "crystalline and barren."

Additionally, the poem could explore the emotions and thoughts of the speaker in more depth. While the poem conveys a sense of loneliness and depression, it would be interesting to delve into the reasons behind these feelings. What specific experiences or memories contribute to the speaker's sense of dread and longing? By delving deeper into the speaker's emotions, you can create

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2023-11-03 23:42

The passing of...

summer into autumn is always hard for me.
I dread the change of season, with the lowering of temperature, but mostly the shortening of the daylight hours.
I think that if I could have the same length of daylight during the winter, it would make it so much
easier to bear. No matter the snow or cold, it always seems easier to get through the day if there is light.
I really appreciated the simple, yet graceful language of this piece. The rhyme is right on, and the rhythm too.

This piece seems to echo the emotion that many people feel at the passing of summer and the warm months.
I felt a smoothness from the opening lines that herald winter, to the ending lines of depression
at the coming of the coldest part of the year. Very nice, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Blue-eyed Bolla

Sat, 2023-11-04 05:59

in winter

Thank you, Geezer.

KBloor

author comment

Lavender

Sun, 2023-11-05 21:12

In Winter

So deep and sobering. You've beautifully captured the melancholy that many of us go through during this time of year - perhaps even a bit more intense. Some great poetry is written through these next several months. I look forward to reading more from you this winter.
Thank you,
L

Neopoet

In Winter