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The Skeleton of the Pumpkin Man...

Submitted by Geezer on Fri, 2023-10-20 22:47

The skeleton of The Pumpkin Man
lies aware of time
Cursed until he's dust and dirt
his bones ground up real fine

Mold rots his face, the flesh hangs on
worms wriggle in his teeth
A clammy trenchcoat wraps his form
his hat makes a leather wreath

The golden glow of deep set eyes
flame whispers in the dark
the withered hand that grasps her arm
emits a little spark

The chill she feels in her bones
right to her very toes
The time has come for sacrifice
amongst the pumpkin rows

She knew this day would come, she did
With a certainty and fate
Could she do what she has to do
with her Pumpkin skeleton date?

The sun sets on fertile farmland
The ending's not mine to tell
but I'll say that it's interesting
and she seems to be doing well

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Halloween Image Prompt Contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-10-21 04:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem has a strong narrative and a clear progression of events, which is commendable. The use of vivid and evocative imagery, such as "Mold rots his face, the flesh hangs on" and "worms wriggle in his teeth", adds a sense of horror and unease, which is fitting for the theme.

However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement. The rhythm and meter of the poem are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For example, the second line of the first stanza, "lies aware of time", is shorter than the other lines and disrupts the rhythm. Consider revising to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout.

The poem also introduces a number of elements - the Pumpkin Man, the woman, the sacrifice - but doesn't fully explore or explain them. This can leave the reader feeling confused or unsatisfied. Consider expanding on these elements to give the reader a better understanding of the narrative.

Finally, the ending of the poem is somewhat vague and ambiguous. While this can be an effective technique in some cases, in this poem it feels as though the narrative is left unfinished. Consider revising the ending to provide a more satisfying conclusion to the narrative.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Triskelion

Sat, 2023-10-21 01:32

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..is a great combination of words and was a nice surprise line. Funny how some words just sound perfect together.

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

RoseBlack

Sat, 2023-10-21 13:14

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The story, the imagery...everything! What we do for love and how we sacrifice ourselves for what feels like happy ever after depicted in a dark and cryptic way. A great take on the photo!

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Sat, 2023-10-21 17:22

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I took the cue from you and kind of stole your story, sorry, but it was too irresistible. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

RoseBlack

Sat, 2023-10-21 18:14

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And that's ok..it was really good. I guess I'm a sucker for a skeleton man

~RoseBlack~

Candlewitch

Sat, 2023-10-21 15:20

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I agree with Carrie, she beat me to it, lol... it seems like this one is in the bag! my favorite lines are:

The chill she feels in her bones
right to her very toes
The time has come for sacrifice
amongst the pumpkin rows

*hugs & Love, Cat

*
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Geezer

Sat, 2023-10-21 17:29

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I think that the ending leaves a lot of room to play with, and what you can imagine was going on. Thank you for your favorite lines.
Those lines set the tone and make it all work. Love and hugs to you from the boys. Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-10-23 12:36

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I read it in a hushed whispery voice. eddy styx liked it too. hello to the boys!

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Mon, 2023-10-23 15:15

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I thought that you and eddy would like it. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

William Lynn

Mon, 2023-10-23 15:36

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Fun read. What does AI really know about the evils of Halloween? Probably never even met a Pumpkin Man.
May the force and Pumpkin Man be with you. - Will

Geezer

Tue, 2023-10-24 13:57

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You are right, probably never even met a pumpkin man! So there! By the power vested in me by the Office of Linus, I pronounce you a full member of the "Pumpkin Patch" ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

William Lynn

Tue, 2023-10-24 14:01

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Is there an official cocktail time in the patch?

RoseBlack

Tue, 2023-10-24 17:34

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It's always midnight

~RoseBlack~

Lavender

Sat, 2023-10-28 06:30

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Hi, Geezer,
I can tell you had fun with this one! It was fun to read. Love the ending.
L

Geezer

Sat, 2023-10-28 09:10

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Yes, it was fun! Got a new Killer Halloween Party going for this year. We will see you there! ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Sat, 2023-10-28 19:02

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Is it BYOB? (Brew. blood...bodies?) :)

Geezer

Sat, 2023-10-28 23:32

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I'm making a pot-pie! LoL
~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

kowque

Mon, 2023-11-13 01:05

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On fertile farmland.....

That's my fave line. I wanna steal it even.

In my country we don't celebrate Halloween the same way. It seems dangerous to venerate death and fear, but, I loved your poem.

Koki

Geezer

Mon, 2023-11-13 13:33

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to use that line if you need it. I got it for free myself. Glad you enjoyed my poem. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

kowque

Mon, 2023-11-13 22:19

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The sun sets
On fertile farmland

The land becomes anew
Smells like hope

Oh,how I wish I could
Bury myself
In it
Turn back time
Wash in the newness

Koki

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