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Aviana...
Aviana, a ray of sunshine
with precious eyes of blue
A beautiful little baby,
fresh as morning dew
She lit the room with her smile
she served joy to every bowl
Her family saw the stars in her
this little beautiful soul...
Daddy was the king of her castle
he made her world so bright
He made sure that he was home
to tuck her in each night
Her brothers' eyes upon her
not playing at protection
they loved to help her play
showered her with affection
With the animals like her Titan
who thought the world of her
she was guarded by them all
like some little treasure
One sad day, she was called
to heaven for her wings
She was asked to come upstairs
to where God's children sing
I miss her all the time
and I know that we
had a beautiful little angel here
you can just ask me.
Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2024-03-11 05:43
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem, "Aviana," employs a narrative style to depict the life and loss of a young girl. The use of vivid imagery, such as "a ray of sunshine" and "fresh as morning dew," effectively conveys the innocence and beauty of the child. The poem also successfully uses metaphors, such as "Daddy was the king of her castle," to depict the close relationship between the child and her father.
However, there are areas that could be improved. The rhythm and rhyme scheme of the poem are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the lines "One sad day, she was called / to heaven for her wings" do not follow the same rhythm as the rest of the poem. To improve this, consider revising the lines to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout the poem.
The poem also switches between third-person and first-person perspectives, which can be confusing for the reader. For example, the poem starts by describing Aviana in the third person but switches to first person in the final stanza. To improve clarity, consider maintaining a consistent point of view throughout the poem.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more show, less tell. For instance, instead of stating "I miss her all the time," the poem could describe actions or feelings that show this sense of loss. This could create a more powerful emotional impact on the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Mon, 2024-03-11 00:19
Aviana
Hello, Geezer,
A beautiful, heartwarming poem. The overflowing love and deep appreciation for Aviana softens the sadness just a bit. Just a bit. My sincere condolences. Thank you for sharing this.
L
Geezer
Mon, 2024-03-11 00:35
Actually...
This is for my niece, who lost her granddaughter last year. A crib-death. The family is heartbroken and my niece wanted a memorial piece for the garden. We are working on the material to use. Thanks for the condolences and the comments.~ Geez.
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Geezer
Mon, 2024-03-11 00:37
Thank you...
You know the story and I am glad to know the emotion I tried to share was evident. Thanks for the read and comments.
~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Enlighten
Mon, 2024-03-11 03:47
Such shining love 'serving
Such shining love 'serving from her bowl' like this description so hard to find anything fresh on this topic but you have.
Geezer
Mon, 2024-03-11 23:36
Thank you...
It pleases me to no end, that I have reached people on this subject. I tried hard to show just how much this little girl meant to our family, and I do believe that your comments show that I have. ~ Geezer.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Alex Tanner
Mon, 2024-03-11 19:00
OH! Geezer
How this evokes memories that only those who have lost a little one can truly bear. For me it was our Grand daughter, our Butterfly Sophie who we lost 10 years ago, just 6 years old, taken by a brain tumour. The loss never leaves but I too wrote some words though they do not help alleviate the feelings of grief. Alex.
Geezer
Tue, 2024-03-12 00:16
I am sorry...
for your loss. Yes, it hurts forever, a loss that never fully goes away. Thank you for your kind comments. ~Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Tue, 2024-03-12 10:18
Dear Geezer,
you have captured the bittersweet of this tale of love, beauty and loss. It returned me to my own loss. There is enchantment in your verses. I am very sorry for your loss.
In the second line of the second verse:
she served joy (to) every bowl suggestion: she served joy (in) every bowl
take or leave as you see fit.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Tue, 2024-03-12 17:30
I thought...
to put it as she put some joy in everyone's bowl, so maybe you are right. I will think on it some more. Thank you for you kind words and comments. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.