Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
To Janice With Love...
As her voice rose to the stars
and filled my waiting ears
raw emotion took me places
I hadn't been in years
Back to days of happy times
when my heart was whole
unhurt by shattered dreams
built with another soul
I cried for all the times
I left her all alone
waiting through the night
beside a silent phone
The blue roughness of her voice
spoke of promises unkept
and as she sang of love
I hung my head and wept
The guitar, it carried heartache
the sax just hugged me tight
together they brought tears
and we all cried in the night
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Listening to Janice Joplin while writing this.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-03-16 01:30
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem successfully uses vivid imagery and emotive language to convey a sense of longing and regret. The use of auditory elements, such as the "voice rose to the stars", "silent phone", and the sounds of the "guitar" and "sax", effectively immerses the reader in the emotional landscape of the poem.
However, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure and rhythm to enhance its musicality. The current structure, while consistent, risks becoming monotonous and could detract from the emotional impact of the poem.
Additionally, the poem could explore the use of more metaphorical language to deepen its emotional resonance. The line "I cried for all the times I left her all alone" could be reworked into a metaphor to evoke a stronger emotional response.
Lastly, the poem might consider providing more context or detail about the relationship between the speaker and Janice. This could help the reader more fully understand and empathize with the speaker's feelings of regret.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
Sat, 2024-03-16 06:57
Dear Geezer,
I love this poem. I am quite sure Janice would have loved it too... do you think she would have been more careful had she a premonition of her fate? I do not know... what I do know is, she was one of the giants, and she moved me. In so many ways that others have not. (Melissa Etheridge has come close...) What is your favorite song of hers? both alone and with Big Brother and the Holding Company?
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Sat, 2024-03-16 09:28
Of course, you have to...
include the mainstays of Janis...
Me and Bobby McGee, Piece of My Heart, Summertime and a couple of underrated numbers from her,
like Farewell Song and the one that is my all-time favorite is Cry Baby or maybe To Love Somebody.
I'm sure she would have been more careful, despite singing the blues, she was full of life and had so much more that she wanted to do. Funny that you should mention Melissa Etheridge; I think I heard her say in an interview one time, that she was big fan of Janice. I don't think that anyone who does the Blues doesn't like what Janice did. Big hugs back, ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Sat, 2024-03-16 12:21
Dearest Gee,
I see that our tastes run similar. I loved her from the first time I heard her with Me and Bobby McGee. I think BB held her back as an artist.
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Lavender
Sat, 2024-03-16 17:34
To Janis With Love
Hello, Geezer,
I can hear her voice, the raw heartache and heartbreaking blues. Love that final line. Another soulful blues poem - I enjoyed this!
L
Geezer
Sun, 2024-03-17 10:36
I am so glad...
that you enjoyed this.
Her voice was unique, a mixture of raw crooning and the rough edges of pain.
She managed to bring the emotion of love and heartbreak to the audience,
while never letting you doubt that it was from experience.
Those final lines just came out of the "Blue" [if you will pardon my pun].
I wanted to say something about guitars and saxophones and how they made me feel.
It was almost as if someone whispered it in my ear as I wrote; there was no hesitation.
Must be that my muse decided that this is what she was contributing and wanted me to get it right.
As always, thank you for your high praise, ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
zuella
Mon, 2024-03-18 04:47
GEEZER!!
This Is so good, I love it! im not one to give good feedback because I hardly understand poetry and poetry rules myself, but this drew emotion out of me similar to the emotions I try to write down. Thank you for sharing this, I love it!
-Zuella
The normal fear the poets and the poets fear the normal.
Thank you for your time!
-Zuella
Geezer
Mon, 2024-03-18 09:08
Your feedback...
is as much appreciated as anyone else's. You say that it drew emotion from you, similar to what you try to write down. This is what I, and I'm sure, drives us all to write; the need to communicate what we are feeling. There are few fast and hard rules to poetry. I have learned over the years; all it takes are a few things to make a poem good. First, you need to communicate effectively. That is where a good command of language becomes essential. If you do not abide by the rules of your language,
then no one will understand what you are trying to say. I suggest reading! Read what appeals to you, but with an eye toward
how the subject is communicated. Look at how the how the ideas are presented, how you can say the most with the least.
Look at some of your favorites; how they give you the idea, while keeping it streamlined. The way to keep a reader interested, is to keep the narrative rolling along. I'm sure that you will learn quickly. Don't be afraid to ask for or take criticism. It is not the end of the world, if someone tells you that they didn't understand or agree with what you said. Here, the people who respond to your work, will often give you specifics about how they think that you can improve on it. Some will tell you, [much as you have told me], that they felt the emotion and not much else. Believe it or not, you have just gotten some critique! It means that you have communicated your feelings effectively. Welcome again, keep writing. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
zuella
Mon, 2024-03-18 17:01
thank you so much, thats so
thank you so much, thats so enlightening geezer, youre the best first proper person I could've met on this app. thank you for your critique, I will start trying to put it to work.
-zuella
The normal fear the poets and the poets fear the normal.
Thank you for your time!
-Zuella
William Lynn
Tue, 2024-03-19 22:36
Janis was a master, a
Janis was a master, a mistress, or the queen.
Me and Bobby McGee. I was with her as those windshield wipers were slapping time and I never left her in Salinas, as I still sing along with her in every song I know.
RIP sweet lady as we celebrate you in Geezer's poem.
Thanks to you and Geezer for some damn fine memories. - Will
Geezer
Wed, 2024-03-20 18:11
Thank you Wiiliam...
Yes, that song captured my heart too. I never left her either. I saw her at Woodstock~ ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.