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Silent Cry
Familiar footsteps racing down the stairs.
Crawling inside myself as Satan himself appears.
Hoping he won't notice while stalking through the room.
Flashbacks hit like lightening strikes; tired old fears.
Twist the words falling from my lips.
Breathing the same air has become a capitol offense.
Try not to stare, even into space.
How he hates the look of my face!
Do as I'm told because it's easier than to fight.
There's no way out, it's far too late.
Every second of every day, filled with dread,
but no one believes you, until you're dead.
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-12-29 01:10
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Silent Cry" demonstrates a strong command of language and imagery, with evocative phrases such as "Crawling inside myself as Satan himself appears" and "Flashbacks hit like lightning strikes." The use of such vivid imagery effectively conveys a sense of fear and desperation, which appears to be the central theme of the poem.
However, there are a few areas that could benefit from further refinement. For instance, the line "Breathing the same air has become a capitol offense" could be reworked for clarity. The term "capitol offense" typically refers to a crime punishable by death, and its use here seems to be metaphorical. However, without further context, it's unclear what the metaphor is intended to convey.
The line "How he hates the look of my face!" also seems to shift the tone of the poem. The rest of the poem employs more subtle, indirect methods of conveying emotion, while this line is more direct and explicit. Consider whether this shift in tone is intentional and effective, or if the line could be reworked to better match the tone of the rest of the poem.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. While free verse can be a powerful tool, the inconsistent rhythm in this poem can make it difficult to read and disrupt the flow of the narrative.
In terms of structure, the poem could benefit from more consistent stanza lengths. The first and second stanzas each contain four lines, while the third contains only three. This inconsistency can disrupt the flow of the poem and may distract the reader.
Overall, the poem effectively conveys a sense of fear and desperation, but could benefit from further refinement in terms of clarity, tone, rhythm, and structure.
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Candlewitch
Thu, 2023-12-28 19:33
Dear Carrie,
I love the intensity of this poem! It is fast paced and I found myself rushing through it. My favorite lines are:
Do as I'm told because it's easier than to fight.
There's no way out, it's far too late.
Every second of every day, filled with dread,
but no one believes you, until you're dead.
good luck on the contest!
*love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
RoseBlack
Thu, 2023-12-28 19:43
Thanks Cat
As always, I appreciate your read and comment!
~RoseBlack~
Unca Fez
Thu, 2023-12-28 20:05
A Sad Plight
It is a sad plight that there are way too many women in exactly this situation. You describe it with great eloquence, giving urgency to her desparate yet hopeless need to escape her undeserved punishment.
Thanx,
Steve
RoseBlack
Thu, 2023-12-28 22:12
Thank you
For understanding and seeing the meaning behind the poem. I appreciate your comment and read as always.
~RoseBlack~
Rosewood Apothecary
Fri, 2023-12-29 06:39
Your truth
Your truth matters here. We all love and support you here. This is a safe space for your creative venting and catharsis.
This is an astounding poem. The slightly disjointed rhythm and haphazard rhyme gives a sense of anxiety amidst the task of trying to hold something together; something that you’re feeling like you have to do because you have few to no other options. It’s heartbreaking to read but also shows a brave and courageous woman and stalwart pragmatist.
I’d change stanza 3 line 1.
“Do as I'm told because it's easier than to fight.”
Try
“Do as I'm told because it's easier than a fight.”
Not sure there’s anything wrong with the way you wrote it it’s just a feeling I had while reading through.
You’re a caring and compassionate human being and you don’t deserve emotional or physical abuse.
Sending love
Tim
RoseBlack
Fri, 2023-12-29 07:32
Thanks Tim
It is a really difficult situation that is unfortunately not new. 2023 has definitely been a rough year. Thank you for all the love and support. It means a lot.
~RoseBlack~