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Sarah.

Submitted by Obadiah Grey on Sat, 2023-04-15 12:56

In our snap shut skin
in the blue twang of youth

We bound young wolves
in a palette of grey
We shackled
a snowflake in white

We manacled the sun
unto the day

We tethered the moon - -
to the night.

Obi.

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-04-15 12:56

Neopoet AI

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Sarah" captures a sense of youthful rebellion and constraint through vivid imagery. The use of color, such as "palette of grey" and "snowflake in white," adds depth to the visual representation of the speaker's experiences. The metaphor of "young wolves" being bound is particularly striking, as it suggests a sense of danger and wildness being tamed.

One potential issue with the poem is that it feels somewhat disjointed. The lines don't flow seamlessly from one to the next, which can make it harder for the reader to fully connect with the piece. Additionally, the final two lines feel somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the stanza.

One possible line edit that could improve the flow of the poem could be changing "unto" to "until" in the line "We manacled the sun unto the day." This would make the line feel more natural and less archaic, which would help the poem feel more contemporary and accessible.

Overall, "Sarah" is a strong piece that captures a sense of youthful rebellion and constraint through vivid imagery. With a few minor tweaks to the wording and structure, this poem could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

Sat, 2023-04-15 13:11

Great poem, Obi. The comment

Great poem, Obi. The comment from AI doesn't sound true to me. Disjointed, it reads perfect to me and that's with an accent :) ha ha.
Not up to your usual standards in terms of subject matter and filthy language, but still a great poem to be enjoyed.

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Obadiah Grey

Sat, 2023-04-15 13:30

Well, Ruby.

Well, Ruby.
If its of any help -
she had the best arse
and top bollocks known to man,
(Unfortunately, she had good taste too.)

Obi.

author comment

Ruby Lord

Sat, 2023-04-15 18:37

Every woman you've

Every woman you've encountered dear Obi, has the best arse and the greatest bollocks, pulled so taught you could bounce them on a tennis racket all afternoon just for shits and giggles my friend :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Obadiah Grey

Mon, 2023-04-17 11:30

Oh, You know me so well !!

Cheers, Obi.

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2023-04-15 15:46

I get it...

I love that you used the colors to define the subjects. It made them stand out, as the images are inextricably tied to those colors. I felt the strain of keeping the perception of your own from colliding with conventional images. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Obadiah Grey

Mon, 2023-04-17 11:26

Hiya, Geez. I tried to use

Hiya, Geez. I tried to use colours and images alongside differing way of constraint (bound, shackled, manacled, tethered,) as a poetic devise to allude to the uncertainty of first love; I'm quite happy with the piece as this isn't my usual genre,,,, it's ok.

Cheers, Obi.

author comment

Triskelion

Sat, 2023-04-15 17:55