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The Puppet Master

Submitted by RoseBlack on Thu, 2023-10-05 19:22

Welcome to the freak show, honey!
Come right inside, no reason to hide.
(Come a little bit closer)
We want your body, not your money.
All too familiar with your kind.

The dolls, don't they seem real?
Why don't you give them a feel?
(Come a little bit closer)
Whispers? What whispers?
I don't hear a thing!

Strings tied through gaping holes,
We are his mother, his daughter, his lover.
(He's almost here)
Bloody tears on crusted faces
Don't worry, there's nothing to fear

Footfalls rumbling outside the door
The puppet master has arrived
(we hope you like it here)
Depravity hidden behind
Charming eyes that lie.

Once a boy, a beautiful boy
Beaten by his mother
(for sins of the father)
The man in him longed for love
But the monster could only destroy

He'd kiss them softly
Run his hands through their hair
(Kill them before they kill me)
Then snatch their soul
Without so much as a care

Dragged by the hair,
Down cemented steps
(time to shine)
The smell of decomp in the air
No escaping, even if you dared!

Eyes gauged, replaced with glass.
Mournful cries through stitched up lips.
(are you ready)
Once upon a time, a nice piece of ass.
Broke her hips to make her dance.

The black tooth grin
Broke into a snarl
(no reason to cry)
Are you next?
Or is it off to the body bin?

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week October 1st to October 7th 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-10-06 01:23

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Puppet Master" demonstrates a strong command of imagery and narrative, effectively creating an eerie and unsettling atmosphere. However, there are some areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.

1. Consistency in Rhyme and Rhythm: The poem lacks a consistent rhyme scheme and rhythm. While free verse can be a powerful tool, the irregularity in this poem can be jarring and disrupt the flow. Consider revising with a more consistent pattern to enhance the reading experience.

2. Use of Parentheses: The use of parentheses to indicate whispered or sotto voce lines is an interesting technique. However, it's unclear whether these lines are spoken by a different character or are internal thoughts. Clarifying this could enhance the reader's understanding and engagement.

3. Character Development: The poem introduces the character of the puppet master, but doesn't fully develop this figure. Adding more details about this character could make the poem more engaging and provide a stronger narrative arc.

4. Language and Tone: The language and tone of the poem are quite graphic and dark, which effectively creates a sense of horror. However, some phrases, such as "a nice piece of ass" and "body bin", may come off as crude or jarring. Consider revising these phrases to maintain the poem's dark tone without resorting to potentially off-putting language.

5. Punctuation: The poem lacks consistent punctuation, which can make it difficult to follow. Adding punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended pauses and breaks.

In conclusion, "The Puppet Master" is a poem with strong imagery and a compelling narrative, but could benefit from improvements in consistency, clarity, character development, tone, and punctuation.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Fri, 2023-10-06 15:20

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I very much enjoyed this poem. I love an "in your face" poem that is backed by reality. the honesty of the language usage really carry's this piece far. and the black humor is delicious! my favorite lines are:

Eyes gauged, replaced with glass.
Mournful cries through stitched up lips.
(are you ready)
Once upon a time, a nice piece of ass.
Broke her hips to make her dance.

good luck on the contest
(big cheesy grin, Cat)

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RoseBlack

Fri, 2023-10-06 15:57

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This may draw your attention...I always welcome your thoughts and opinions. I've edited this several times and finally decided to finally leave it for now. I could hear the dolls whispering to the next victim as I put in the parenthesis...lol. I know what the puppet master looks like but didn't want to keep droning on. So glad you liked it

~RoseBlack~

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