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My Superhero

Submitted by RoseBlack on Sun, 2024-01-07 22:29

He wears not a cape of red or gold,
but a shoddy cloak of black and hood.
Sickle in hand, banging on the floor.
A bony finger beckons me, once more.

Hypnotized by the eyes beneath the cover,
Falling in line with every jagged breath,
rhythmically two stepping into his grasp.
Skeletal hands I clasped until death

And as the world around me went black,
my soul weakened as we left,
time was slipping so fast, I was safe at last.
Safe at last...safe at last.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

Contest:

01/24 Meeting My Superhero

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-01-08 04:30

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "My Superhero" presents a unique perspective on death, personifying it as a superhero. This is a compelling approach, as it challenges the conventional fear and negativity associated with death. The use of imagery and metaphors is effective in creating a vivid picture of the protagonist's encounter with death.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The second stanza, for example, has a different rhythm compared to the others. This inconsistency can be distracting and disrupt the flow of the poem.

Additionally, the phrase "Doing what I couldn't do, what had to be done" is somewhat vague. It might be beneficial to provide more specific details about what the protagonist couldn't do and why it needed to be done. This could add depth to the poem and enhance the reader's understanding of the protagonist's situation.

Lastly, the poem could explore the concept of death as a superhero more deeply. For instance, it could delve into why the protagonist views death in this way and how this perspective impacts their feelings and actions. This could add complexity to the poem and make it more thought-provoking for readers.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2024-01-08 10:09

If you want...

to keep the third stanza, use it like you are losing touch with reality.

Pressed against the shell of someone's former lover,
he was here for me like no other.
Doing what had to be done,
his job was difficult; not much fun.

Then the last stanza needs just a little touch of drama

And as the world around me went black,
my soul weakened as we left,
time was slipping so fast.
I was safe at last
safe...safe... last...

As I always say, use it, abuse it, or trash it, my advice is always free. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

RoseBlack

Mon, 2024-01-08 11:06

Thank you

They are good suggestions. I will play around with it later.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-01-08 11:43

Dear Carrie,

this looks like something I would like to read! I will be back after the rewrite!

~later and love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Mon, 2024-01-08 13:53

I did make revisions

Not sure if you saw before or after...I eliminated a whole stanza.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Geezer

Mon, 2024-01-08 23:17

I think...

it reads so much better! Nice stuff!
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

RoseBlack

Tue, 2024-01-09 06:25

I agree

Thank you for your suggestions.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-01-09 07:50

Dear Carrie,

I am glad I came back this morning! From the moment we are born, we are heading toward our final breath. It feels as if you are at peace with this. In taking Death as a lover it feels warm and peaceful within the intimacy of the eternal sleep... this is a fantastic write and really deep. Have I missed the mark?

*love, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

RoseBlack

Tue, 2024-01-09 09:47

You are

Spot on. Death is a welcomed lover for me and I am patiently waiting for him to draw my card. I am starting to believe there is more for me on the other side than here.

~RoseBlack~

author comment

Candlewitch

Tue, 2024-01-09 10:03