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Monsters and Witches...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2024-09-19 14:30

In the dusk of Autumn,
October thirty-first
you will see a lot of ghosts,
and monsters at their worst.

They will rampage up the street,
across your pristine grass,
Dressed as super-heroes
Capes dragging past their ass.

"Trick or Treat, you little *****
here, have some candy-corn,"
He faces up to them,
with a manner born of scorn.

"I know your parents, Little Timmy,
that mask, it don't fool me,"
And you're that hulking Sonny,
Trick or treat at twenty-three!

"Is that toilet-paper, Billy?
You should be so rich,
that stuff is just like gold.
If your mom finds out, she'll bitch"

He knows that they will get him,
but not without a fight,
even if he has to stay awake
all this cursed, evil night.

Here comes another gang,
he knows all these little brats.
From over on "The Heights",
like a bunch of skinny rats.

He sees their spindle arms,
and thinly fleshed out legs
their sunken cheeks, and eye glaze
their pencil-fingers beg.

No more, he cannot stand it!
"You must come inside,
I have more in here, I promise."
Do not fear" his grin was wide.

And...as they smelled the feast,
that he had prepared
They smiled and swore allegiance
to the only one who cared.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-09-19 20:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Monsters and Witches" effectively utilizes the theme of Halloween to create a narrative that is both engaging and entertaining. The use of rhyming couplets throughout the poem adds a rhythmic quality that enhances the reading experience.

However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from refinement. The language and tone are inconsistent, ranging from colloquial to formal, which can be disorienting for the reader. For instance, the use of the phrase "Capes dragging past their ass" is jarring in the context of the overall tone of the poem.

The poem also includes some offensive language, which may alienate some readers. It's recommended to consider the potential impact of such language on the audience.

The narrative could be made clearer with more explicit transitions between the different scenes and characters. As it stands, it can be difficult to follow the progression of events and to understand the relationships between the characters.

The ending of the poem is ambiguous. While this can be an effective technique, in this case, it leaves the reader unsure of the fate of the characters. Providing more closure or a clearer indication of the intended interpretation could enhance the overall impact of the poem.

In terms of imagery, the poem does a good job of painting a vivid picture of the Halloween scene. However, some of the descriptions, such as "their sunken cheeks, and eye glaze their pencil-fingers beg," are unclear. Clarifying these descriptions could strengthen the overall imagery of the poem.

Overall, the poem has a strong foundation and with some refinement, it could be even more effective.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-09-19 16:54

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I just snorted my orange soda and spilled all down my front! I love it!! these lines had me laughing so hard...

"Trick or Treat, you little *****
here, have some candy-corn,"
He faces up to them,
with a manner born of scorn.

"I know your parents, Little Timmy,
that mask, it don't fool me,"
And you're that hulking Sonny,
Trick or treat at twenty-three!

I see your muse is back on track after kissing you soundly!
*hugs, Cat

*
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And reply in kind, thanks.

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-09-19 16:56

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you will see a lot ghosts, (need the word: of?) would (many) work better?

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Thu, 2024-09-19 22:11

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for catching that, Cat. I think that I will leave it at [a lot of ghosts], rather than changing to [many ghosts]. because it fits the rhythm better. Glad you enjoyed this, I could have gotten a bit more edgy with this one, but in the interest of prudery, [is that a word?] I kept it at this level. I started out with something different in mind, and it started to run away like some of 'them' do, but I managed to keep it under rein. Sometimes, I get in one of those sarcastic moods and I can write a story out in just a few lines, and then there are these, that would run into more than forty. I was going to enter this in a contest but found that I had already entered them with different poems. This is why it sounds a little bit short; I could have taken a bit more space to figure how to do the ending a little more gradually. ~ Geez.
.

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author comment

LilacsandLace

Thu, 2024-09-19 20:36

This poem is filled with lines of gold! You tell a funny but enticing story in verse. I was half expecting something unexpectedly horror (like he goes on a killing rampage to fit the spooky theme) with that "Do not fear" but you delivered on the unexpected in another way. Enjoyed this!

Geezer

Thu, 2024-09-19 22:19

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I appreciate your input. I see that you are very new to the site, but still have managed to ingratiate yourself with yours truly.
I have a number of poems like this and every once in a while, get lucky enough to write something that resonates with the naturally sarcastic segment of our site. I think you will do just fine here. I hope to see much more of your work, and maybe have to put you as the winner in some of our contests, and consequently in our anthology. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

LilacsandLace

Thu, 2024-09-19 23:08

I will have to read through some of your older work! I have been writing for many years but haven't really found an online community to nestle into quite yet. It's a pleasure to meet you! I look forward to getting to know everyone here.

captain 2

Thu, 2024-09-19 23:18

This is so clever and funny! I felt like I was reading Dr. Suess. ...and i mean that as the highest compliment. The rhythm was fantastic.

Captain

btw. I am now a premium member! so, i look forward to becoming more involved in the community, as best i can.

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