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Dragon Dawn...

Submitted by Geezer on Thu, 2024-07-04 08:41

Dragon's breath tainted with gold
a piece of fair maid in his teeth.
Snoring lightly, blowing smoke rings
resembling holiday wreaths.

Green and bronze scales, so pretty
burnished by the sun,
glisten in the dawn of tomorrow
seeing his enemies run.

Awaken, continue your terror,
stretch your wings out and fly
Scorch the earth, make it ashes
seeing your enemy's cry

Black are the shadows of flight,
wings that quiver and float,
winging over the castle,
see the bridge down over the moat.

Merlin has taken vacation,
Sir Arthur is beating back trolls
Take advantage of the situation,
this dragon is on a great roll.

Toothpick lances of heroes
bloody slivers of wood,
As a day in the life of a dragon,
this one's particularly good.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Thanks Lavender, for the heads up.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 07/7/24 to 07/13/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2024-07-04 14:41

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Dragon Dawn" employs vivid imagery and a consistent rhythm, which helps to create a strong sense of setting and character. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the rhyme scheme is inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the first stanza follows an ABAB pattern, but the second and third stanzas follow an AABB pattern. Consistency in rhyme scheme can help to create a more cohesive and rhythmic reading experience.

Secondly, while the poem's imagery is strong, there are moments where it could be more specific. For example, in the line "glisten in the dawn of tomorrow," the imagery is somewhat vague. What exactly does the dawn of tomorrow look like? More specific imagery could help to create a more immersive reading experience.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic arc. While the poem does tell a story, the story's significance or meaning is not clear. For example, what is the significance of the dragon's good day? What does it mean for the dragon, or for the world the poem has created? Answering these questions could help to give the poem a stronger sense of purpose and direction.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Thu, 2024-07-04 15:27

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I do not see what AI is talking about in rhyme schemes. I think the tale of this dragon is charming. I think it can be improved upon with telling of this dragon's feelings and scope of the picture... The title is killer!!!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Lavender

Sun, 2024-07-07 14:30

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Hello, Geezer,
The rise of the dragon! I particularly like the bit of fair maid remaining in his teeth. Very clever! I was a bit confused if he was sleeping at first, and just when he awoke to soar over the castle. I may be reading incorrectly, though. Enjoyed this!
Thank you!
L

Geezer

Sun, 2024-07-07 17:49

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another stanza to better address the issue of his awakening. How's that?
~ Geez.
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Lavender

Sun, 2024-07-07 19:48

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Not only does that help the transition, but that is a fantastic stanza! I really like it!
L

Geezer

Sun, 2024-07-07 20:46

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I'm glad you called me on this. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Sat, 2024-07-13 12:05

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It is a slice of enrichment! maybe the best stanza!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Ruby Lord

Fri, 2024-07-12 04:49

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Hi Geezer, I enjoyed your poem and the ending was excellent. There's a little repetition in the 3rd stanza with the word make and making. Minor point but it caught my eye when I was reading. Great poem, I loved the imagery in your use of language.
Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

Geezer

Fri, 2024-07-12 09:06

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I took advantage of your suggestion, to make the change and move a couple of the stanzas around, thank you, Ruby. ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

RoseBlack

Fri, 2024-07-12 22:09

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Of the beast.. the day in the life of a dragon depicted through words and visuals. I could picture every verse as I read it. Love this

~RoseBlack~

Geezer

Sat, 2024-07-13 15:22

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I'm so glad that you like this one. I tried hard to get the tone right. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2024-07-13 17:57

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I never thought I'd think much of a dragon poem but this one is good. Only suggestion is to try :Scorch the earth turn it to ashes

Geezer

Sat, 2024-07-13 21:59

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trying to avoid a cliche, but I will consider it. Thank you for your read and comment, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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