Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Just a Day at the Beach...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2024-08-04 22:53

Just a day at the beach,
he wrote home to his girl...
"We'll roll up in floating barges
give the locals such a thrill."

He's deaf, he hears not a sound
but the sun is shining bright,
the sky is blue, the sea, it sparkles,
yet, something isn't right.

There's no sounds around him,
but plops and sprays of salty foam.
He jumps into the bloody water,
a steel pot upon his dome.

His mother's voice is calling,
"John, please be careful dear,
Keep your cross around your neck
and Jesus will be near."

A hundred John's took part that day
some of them got home again.
There were some that didn't make it,
there was lots of mother's pain.

Whining lead tears his shirt,
salt burns his bleeding chest
he goes down; he's now a hero,
and he finds eternal rest.

Just a day at the beach,
and smiles, in memories.
His sacrifice for others,
in the war that versus peace.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Didn't turn out like I thought it would.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
08/24 Beach Day
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2024-08-05 04:53

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses imagery and narrative to convey the story of a soldier's experience during a war. The juxtaposition of the idyllic beach setting with the harsh realities of war creates a stark contrast that underscores the tragedy of the situation.

However, there are a few areas that could benefit from refinement. The phrase "the war that versus peace" in the last line is grammatically awkward. A more conventional phrasing might be "the war against peace" or "the war versus peace".

The line "There's no sounds around him" could be revised to "There are no sounds around him" for grammatical correctness.

The transition from the soldier's perspective to the collective experience of "a hundred John's" could be more smoothly executed. As it stands, the shift is somewhat abrupt.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality and flow. The current structure is somewhat irregular, which can disrupt the reader's engagement.

It is suggested to revise these areas to improve the overall coherence and impact of the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

kowque

Mon, 2024-08-05 01:02

kowque's picture

I wish I could share in the moment

Captured, so beautiful

Koki

Geezer

Mon, 2024-08-05 14:06

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

for your read and comment. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-08-05 06:10

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I read this just before going to bed last night. I thought of the movies and of the landing at Normandy. and a few others. Your poem has me torn two directions. It is only a great piece of work that can do that! my favorite lines are:

Just a day at the beach,
and smiles, in memories.
His sacrifice for others,
in the war that versus peace.

they are my favorites because of what came before.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Mon, 2024-08-05 14:17

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

for considering this a great piece of work. Yes, I was about to write of big waves, bikinis, and beach bunnies, when all of a sudden, I was caught up in the maelstrom of the landing at Normandy; the boys trying to get off the landing craft, whining bullets, and the silence of horror. I'm not sure what made my muse take such a turn, but I figured I should go with it. Maybe, it was the combination of the poem prompts, "Peace verses War" and "Beach Day". I honestly felt that I was writing for both contests. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-08-05 16:00

Candlewitch's picture
Volunteer badge

I was thinking the same thing...I had to check which contest was entered! good luck, dearest Geezer.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Lavender

Mon, 2024-08-05 12:07

Lavender's picture
Volunteer badge

Hello, Geezer,
A unique and thought provoking take on the contest. I, too, immediately thought of Normandy / Omaha. Because of this, I wondered if the use of "on" the beach may be a bit more specific. One of your best poems that leaves me very quiet.
Thank you,
L

Geezer

Mon, 2024-08-05 14:31

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

As I have said to Cat, I was thinking of two titles and intending to write about "Beach Boys" and bikinis, but then I got this vision. I think that the title is reflecting the vision of his girlfriend running down to the beach, after reading his letter; with him saying that it was going to be just a day at the beach. I'm imagining her splashing in the waves, while he is falling into the bloody water. Sort of a movie flashback, a silent soliloquy, if you will. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Rula

Wed, 2024-08-14 13:42

Rula's picture
Volunteer badge

I found this piece to be a compelling one and yet not without lots of worthiness. I 'm not sure if my words help me here to express exactly my feelings. It's the pain that I feel the most.
A competitive entry indeed.
Thank you for sharing

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words ........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Geezer

Thu, 2024-08-15 09:45

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

for your always generous comments. Having listened to many veterans, I too, have seen and felt the pain. They deserve much more than they get for serving their country in time of war and risking it all. This pain is not reserved for those that have been wounded or died. It touches many we never hear about; those that have watched their brothers in arms die, the mothers, fathers and siblings, and women who love these heroes. Thank you again, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.