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Longing to Belong...
He had grown to be a man,
since his capture as a child.
He'd survived two wars by now,
he was seasoned... but half wild.
Was there anyone still left,
who would remember him?
Was there still a village there,
was there even one last kin?
He had been to life's great school,
he had learned his lessons well.
Lived in paradise, been poor,
been to heaven, gone through hell.
He was so tired, and worn out,
did he still belong somewhere?
He had hopes that it was so,
there was still someone who cared.
Hearing shouts of wonderment,
he stops to listen closer,
an elder woman, crying
"You look just like your father."
Relief and gladdened heart thumps,
"I finally have come back home.
I'm back to where I started,
No more ever, will I roam."
Style / type:
Structured: Western
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I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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New York State - USA
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Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2024-09-03 20:32
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses a narrative style to convey the protagonist's journey and longing for a sense of belonging. The choice of simple language and the use of rhymes make the poem accessible and engaging.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The poem's narrative could benefit from more vivid and specific imagery. For instance, instead of stating "He'd survived two wars by now," the poem could provide a brief, specific scene or detail from these wars to make the experience more tangible for the reader. Similarly, "Lived in paradise, been poor, been to heaven, gone through hell" could be more impactful with more concrete descriptions.
The poem's rhythm is slightly inconsistent, which can disrupt the reading experience. For example, the line "He had hopes that it was so," is longer than the preceding lines and disrupts the rhythm.
The ending of the poem is satisfying as it resolves the protagonist's longing for belonging. However, the last line "No more ever, will I roam" could be rephrased for better clarity and to maintain the poem's rhythm.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates the protagonist's journey and longing for a sense of belonging. However, it could be improved by incorporating more vivid imagery, maintaining a consistent rhythm, and refining some of the phrasing.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Tue, 2024-09-03 22:25
Longing To Belong
Hello, Geezer,
I can't help but wonder if this is about a specific person, although much could pertain to anyone affected by war, separation, anxiety... I very much like the title! I'll be back after your response.
Thank you!
L
Geezer
Wed, 2024-09-04 09:23
Actually no...
it is not about anyone specifically, although I had a vision of a man who had been kidnapped by slave-traders in the early Middle-Ages. A kind of Conan the Barbarian story. Thank you for your read and I am looking forward to your comments. ~ Geez.
.
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author commentLavender
Wed, 2024-09-04 10:39
Aah, yes!
Half wild! I can feel the longing just as the title suggests, and the final line brings about an overdue strong sense of belonging. The only suggestion I have is regarding a couple places where "that" is used referring to people - you may want to change those spots to "who." Thank you for your explanation. Very nice!
L
Geezer
Wed, 2024-09-04 22:12
I will...
look at those places, thanks. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2024-09-04 09:36
Dear Geezer,
The search for one's identity and picking up the puzzle pieces? I much liked these lines:
Hearing shouts of wonderment,
he stops to listen closer,
an elder woman, crying
"You look just like your father."
Great ending. I can feel the relief mingled with excitement...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Wed, 2024-09-04 09:49
Thank you...
I'm glad that you got it. I'm pretty sure that those are my favorite lines too. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
author commentRula
Thu, 2024-09-05 12:59
I can't
Say it better myself. East or West, Home is best.
You hit the nail with this one.
Thank you for sharing this one sir Gee.
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Geezer
Fri, 2024-09-06 16:02
Thank you...
Glad that you got something from this. As always, thank you for your read and comments. ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
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