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Leaving your last breath

Submitted by Edward nigma on Mon, 2023-07-03 11:17

Like those last
lucious faintly
enfeebled breaths
bitterly breaking
through my
limply lifting lungs .
Fervently flooding
my tear filled
eyes. Tenderly
tottering into
those timidly
tight-lipped times .
Who wistfully
whispers
their coolly
cut cards of
kindred conversations.
Carefully kindling
their heart-crossed
corners of compassion.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Lavender

Mon, 2023-07-03 11:23

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Hello, Edward,
Beautiful title and language all the way through.
Lx

Edward nigma

Mon, 2023-07-03 12:33

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Well when I wrote my idea a person who is dying and is going back to the times to where he felt Most content. Which being with his love .

Now the idea came to me with the song from goodbye girl. And

https://youtu.be/SN84g-qVwkk

Hlm life without literature is a life without logic.

author comment

Geezer

Tue, 2023-07-04 06:41

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I feel those last lucious breaths,
they sit in the bottom of my lungs like lead, refusing to leave.
Not leaving room for the next

Your use of alliteration is superb here, the description of impending death
is made clear, and the "careful kindling of heart-crossed corners of compassion",
are the footnotes of the family and friends gathered 'round.
I felt this scene most keenly and it appears so polished and fine, that I know the subject,
has been lain in the forebrain of your mind, maturing.
Great job! ~ Geez.
.

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