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Depression

Submitted by Trouble on Sun, 2024-06-30 22:38

There's always a clock on the wall.
Counting down the depression that I'm feeling. The luxury of happiness, fill me without a meaning.
The burden of sadness, makes my life not worth living.
Even as I try to love myself, I struggle to find a reason.
Why can't I just get my mind, to have a sense of being. I'm alive with a porpoise, but depression is all that I'm seeing

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Mon, 2024-07-01 04:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Depression" effectively communicates a deep sense of despair and struggle, which is a common experience for many people dealing with depression. The use of the clock as a metaphor for the relentless passage of time and the constant presence of depression is powerful.

However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The phrase "I'm alive with a porpoise" seems to be a typographical error, as "porpoise" is a type of marine mammal. If it's intended as a metaphor, it's not immediately clear how it relates to the rest of the poem. Consider revising this line for clarity.

Moreover, the poem could benefit from more concrete imagery. While the feelings of depression are effectively conveyed, the reader might connect more deeply to the poem if there were specific, tangible details that illustrate these feelings. For instance, instead of saying "The luxury of happiness, fill me without a meaning," you might describe a specific situation or object that represents this idea.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The lines vary in length and rhythm, which can make the poem feel a bit disjointed. Establishing a more consistent rhythm could help the poem flow more smoothly and enhance its emotional impact.

Overall, this poem has the potential to powerfully convey the experience of depression with some revisions for clarity, specificity, and rhythm.

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