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BATTERED AND BRUISED
The pain, the darkness,
I'm under attack.
All roads are closed,
No going back.
At a standstill, a place
Of no return.
A crossroad of decision,
Still so much to learn.
Going the wrong way,
Headed for hell.
Who has the answer?
They won't tell.
Stuck in an endless rut,
Of what could be.
Taking care of everyone,
Forgot about me.
The pass haunts me,
No looking back.
Hey, here's Karma with
Another smack.
A lot of chaos,
Too much greed.
On your pain,
She will feed.
Selfish, smooth, evil,
And mean.
I wash and wash it,
Never comes clean.
I'm out of order,
Heart can't take no more.
Changes might be knocking,
I won't answer the door.
The darkness is around me,
It pulls me under.
The sky lights up,
I feel the thunder.
Alone in the darkness,
No light to be found.
I strain to listen,
I hear no sound.
The pain it holds me
Tight.
It sneaks up,
On its endless plight.
I can remember when two
Hearts fused.
My soul is forever Battered
And bruised.
TURBO1904
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-04-07 16:59
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Battered and Bruised" is a poignant and raw depiction of the struggles and pain that the speaker is experiencing. The use of short and simple phrases throughout the poem effectively conveys the sense of being trapped and overwhelmed. The repetition of the phrase "battered and bruised" at the end of the poem creates a powerful and lasting impression on the reader.
However, there are a few areas where the poem could benefit from some editing. The line "On your pain, she will feed" could use some clarification as it is unclear who "she" refers to. Additionally, the poem could benefit from some variation in the use of punctuation and sentence structure to create a more dynamic reading experience.
One suggested line edit could be to change "I wash and wash it" to "I scrub and scrub it". This small change could add some variation to the language used and create a stronger image of the speaker trying to cleanse themselves of their pain.
Overall, "Battered and Bruised" is a powerful and emotive poem that effectively conveys the struggles of the speaker. With some minor edits, it could be even stronger and more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Fri, 2023-04-07 20:37
Battered And Bruised
Hi, Turbo,
I feel the frustration here. The pace is fast and adds to the anxiety. Rhythm and rhyme are pretty tight. The AI suggestion to use "scrub" may be a good idea - "wash" works well, but doesn't have quite the intensity to go along with the chaos the poem describes so well. I like the title and the way the poem builds up to that final line.
Thank you!
L