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Aftermath

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sun, 2023-04-16 12:33

The dead moan to us from the earth
In the ocean, their voices
Rumble and tumble water
We’re blind and deaf to their calls
And walk with the dead
In the ocean,
On the dry land
We never find them;
The dead know our paths
The depth is shadow
And our lives lie therein.

The dead cry to us when they see our sorrow
Bigger than the world we know
In the ocean;
On the dry land
We never find them.
Who cares?
When we carry our dead to their beds
During the best time of their days
More curses are looming over the land
Now, the dead are coming
In the day, may be night.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week April 16th to April 22nd 2023
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-04-16 12:33

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

/5

"Aftermath" is a haunting and evocative poem that explores the relationship between the living and the dead. The imagery is particularly strong, with the dead "moaning" and "crying" to us from both the earth and the ocean. The idea that the dead "know our paths" and that "our lives lie" in the shadowy depths of the ocean is a powerful one, and the repetition of the line "we never find them" emphasizes the sense of loss and separation that pervades the poem.

One suggested line edit would be to change "Bigger than the demimonde" to "Bigger than the world we know." While the word "demimonde" has an interesting and obscure connotation, it may not be immediately clear to all readers what the poet means by it, which could distract from the overall impact of the poem.

Overall, "Aftermath" is a thought-provoking and skillfully crafted poem that will linger in the reader's mind long after it is finished.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Mr joghe

Sun, 2023-04-16 12:49

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Very interesting!

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-04-16 21:19

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the depth is shallow or shadow? ~Geezer.
.

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