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I waited All The Year

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sun, 2023-09-10 13:00

With the candle lights
I shot him in a couple
In his briefcase
Painted with hallow tears of coat
That went down in a blur mirror to a dungeon
Not only had he gone, but all after war
With his brodie and dodie.
I counted my shoots with the capture sounds
That won my tosh tears
To ribbon my hand with flower
That kisses the earth and worms;
Like a dummy, I waited all my years
If anyone would shoot my briefcase in a couple.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Here, emphasis is made on the poet, who is waiting to know those that will mourn for him when he dies. The poem is written at the cemetery where the poet mourned the dead in his coffin (briefcase).
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week September 10th to September 16th 2023.
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2023-09-10 19:01

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "I waited All The Year" presents a unique blend of imagery and metaphors, which can be both intriguing and confusing to the reader. The usage of unconventional phrases like "hallow tears of coat", "blur mirror to a dungeon", and "tosh tears" can be seen as an attempt to create a distinct poetic language. However, these phrases could benefit from further clarification to ensure the intended meaning is conveyed effectively.

The narrative seems to revolve around a violent incident, possibly a murder, with the recurring theme of shooting and the briefcase. The poem could benefit from a clearer narrative thread to guide the reader through the events and emotions being depicted.

The line "Like a dummy, I waited all my years" introduces a sense of regret or longing, which adds an emotional layer to the poem. However, the connection between this sentiment and the preceding events could be made more explicit.

The final line, "If anyone would shoot my briefcase in a couple", is somewhat ambiguous. If it is intended to mirror the opening lines, it might be beneficial to refine this line to more clearly reflect the beginning of the poem.

The poem's structure, with its irregular line lengths and lack of consistent rhyme or rhythm, contributes to the overall sense of disarray and chaos. If this was the intended effect, it has been achieved successfully. However, if a more harmonious or balanced feel was desired, the poem could benefit from a more consistent structure.

In conclusion, while the poem's unique language and narrative are intriguing, they could benefit from further refinement to ensure clarity and coherence.

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Lavender

Sun, 2023-09-10 20:55

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Hello,
I need a bit of help with this one in order to appreciate it completely. Please let me know what "brodie" and "dodie" mean, and also "counted my shoots." I sense that this is very introspective. Would love to fully understand. I'll be back!
Thank you!
L

Mr joghe

Mon, 2023-09-11 22:26

Mr joghe's picture

'Brodie and Dodie' (friends)
'shoot' (the 'shoot' in the poem is referred to the drops of the melting candle wax that flow on my hands with mixture of my tears that dropped on his coffin.
Most of the poem lines are drew out of imagination from the translation of Yoruba language.

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

author comment

Lavender

Tue, 2023-09-12 11:32

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I'm so glad I asked. A solemn, respectful poem.
L

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