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I waited All The Year

Submitted by Mr joghe on Sun, 2023-09-10 13:00

With the candle lights
I shot him in a couple
In his briefcase
Painted with hallow tears of coat
That went down in a blur mirror to a dungeon
Not only had he gone, but all after war
With his brodie and dodie.
I counted my shoots with the capture sounds
That won my tosh tears
To ribbon my hand with flower
That kisses the earth and worms;
Like a dummy, I waited all my years
If anyone would shoot my briefcase in a couple.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Here, emphasis is made on the poet, who is waiting to know those that will mourn for him when he dies. The poem is written at the cemetery where the poet mourned the dead in his coffin (briefcase).
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoem Of The Week September 10th to September 16th 2023.
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Sun, 2023-09-10 19:01

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "I waited All The Year" presents a unique narrative with a strong use of imagery and metaphor. However, there are a few areas where clarity could be improved to enhance the overall impact of the poem.

1. Consistency of Metaphor: The poem uses a variety of metaphors, such as "candle lights," "briefcase," and "shoots with the capture sounds." While these create intriguing images, their connection to each other and to the overall theme of the poem is unclear. It is suggested to revise these metaphors to ensure they contribute coherently to the poem's message.

2. Language and Syntax: The poem includes phrases like "hallow tears of coat" and "tosh tears" which are somewhat ambiguous. While poetry often benefits from ambiguity, it's important that the meaning isn't too obscured for readers. Consider rephrasing these lines to enhance their clarity while still maintaining their poetic quality.

3. Structure and Flow: The poem's structure seems somewhat disjointed, with ideas and images introduced and then abandoned. This can make the poem difficult to follow. Consider revising the poem to improve its flow and coherence.

4. Use of Language: The poem uses some unusual words and phrases, such as "brodie and dodie" and "ribbon my hand with flower." While these can add interest to a poem, they can also confuse readers if their meaning isn't clear. Consider whether these phrases add to the poem's overall impact, or whether they could be replaced with clearer language.

In conclusion, the poem has potential but could benefit from revisions to improve its clarity, coherence, and overall impact.

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