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My Fireside Confession...

Submitted by Geezer on Sat, 2024-10-05 22:49

Sex, sax, and smooth whiskey,
secrets beside the fire.
Warm and sultry brown eyes
looking at me, desire.

The pounding of my blood,
pitched ringing of my ears
Cannot turn me away
playing on all my fears.

Warming a frosted heart,
confessing "I love you,"
There's nothing left to say,
Hope that you love me too.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
10/24 Fireside Confession
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-10-06 04:50

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses a variety of literary techniques to convey a sense of tension and longing. It employs a consistent rhyme scheme (ABAB), which helps to create a rhythmic flow. However, the poem could benefit from a more varied use of meter to enhance this rhythm and make it more engaging to the reader.

The imagery in the poem is vivid and evocative, particularly in the first stanza with the mention of "Sex, sax, and smooth whiskey," which sets a sensual, intimate tone. The use of the phrase "secrets beside the fire" also adds an element of mystery and intrigue.

However, the transition between the second and the third stanzas could be smoother. The sudden shift from fear to love can be jarring for the reader. It might be beneficial to add more transitional language or imagery to bridge these contrasting emotions.

The final stanza is effective in its simplicity and directness, but the phrase "There's nothing left to say," could be rephrased to add more depth or complexity to the speaker's emotions. Overall, the poem could benefit from a deeper exploration of the speaker's feelings and the relationship between the speaker and the person they are addressing.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Candlewitch

Sun, 2024-10-06 06:58

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Wow! Smokin' Hot! tenner sax always gets me in the mood! I think you are sure to win with this poem. These are my favorite lines:

Sex, sax, and smooth whiskey,
secrets beside the fire.

*major hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Geezer

Mon, 2024-10-07 09:22

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I guess those lines are my favorites too. Yes, the thought meant to entice and seduce, is right there in your face. My intent was clear from the beginning. LoL
~ Geez.
.

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author comment

Leslie

Sun, 2024-10-06 21:35

Leslie's picture

I caught the romance and the heat and your supernal needs. No need to fear I'm sure she loves you too! Great job! Whatever people say or do, it dosn't really matter. The gold is right there in your heart, you've proven it in the past!

Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!

Geezer

Mon, 2024-10-07 09:32

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in my heart, is mined by the readers of my work. I truly love to get the reader's opinions and takes on my work. Sometimes, the reader makes an observation that I had never envisioned, and I am amazed at the twists and turns that are taken. Thank you Leslie, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Leslie

Mon, 2024-10-07 17:54

Leslie's picture

If you've got some time please check out "Meeting of the Minds", which I just posted! Give me some feedback.

Our dreams lost! Lost on an ocean of turmoil! Soon a solution will arrive! Until then I will write!

Triskelion

Tue, 2024-10-08 10:24

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...that first line is a real grabber. Just a suggestion, but S2L4, how about something like
"I'm riding on my fears" or something that suggests overcoming fears...or something...just a thought.
It seems you're into blues. Good luck in the contest!

Thomas

.
.

...so like my lost dreams...the flood

Geezer

Tue, 2024-10-08 10:35

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about those lines since posting it, so thank you for confirming that point. Glad you like that first line! Always said, if you can grab them from the first line... Thanks, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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