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Your Full Moon...
In the darkness, I can see a light
though I'm not supposed to look
Pale white it shines at a distance
at thought of it, I'm shook
Full moon; I cannot help it
the draw of you like a flame
A moth am I, all fired up
I try thinking of my name
Your story has me mesmerized
the pain you've had to take
I want to hold and comfort you
But, too soon your last mistake
What do I do, with these emotions?
I gaze longing at your moon
It's dark out there, but I see it rising
Turn around, and whistle a tune
Your hand in mine, our eyes meet
I dare not break a sweat
The memory of your full moon
is one thing I'll not forget
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I did a little clean up. I read it aloud in a different mood, and I realized it wasn't smooth in a couple of places. ~ Geez.
.
Editing stage:
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Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-01-03 17:50
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Your Full Moon" demonstrates a good grasp of rhythm and rhyme, which contributes to the overall flow and musicality of the piece. However, the poem could benefit from some refinement in terms of clarity and consistency of metaphorical language.
The metaphor of the full moon is intriguing, but it's not entirely clear what it represents. Is it a symbol for a person, a memory, or an emotion? The poem might benefit from more explicit connections between the full moon and what it symbolizes to provide readers with a clearer understanding of the narrative.
The line "A moth am I, all fired up" is a strong image, but it introduces a new metaphor that doesn't seem to connect with the rest of the poem. If the moth and the flame are meant to represent the speaker and the full moon, respectively, this could be made clearer.
The lines "What do I do, with these emotions? / I gaze longing at your moon" suggest a strong emotional connection, but the nature of this connection could be further explored. Are these feelings of longing, regret, or something else? Providing more insight into the speaker's emotions could enhance the emotional impact of the poem.
The final stanza introduces a physical interaction ("Your hand in mine, our eyes meet") which seems to shift the poem from a contemplative, introspective tone to a more direct, experiential one. If this shift is intentional, it might be useful to prepare the reader for it earlier in the poem to ensure a smoother transition.
Overall, the poem shows promise and with some refinement, it could offer a more powerful and clear narrative.
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Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-01-03 11:54
Geezer!
This is amazing!!! From the point of view of a moth....I Love It! I think you were born under a lucky star. I cannot choose favorite lines. the whole poem is grand!!!
*love & hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Wed, 2024-01-03 12:06
Thank you...
My sister says that I shouldn't look at a full moon, when asked not to. But she doesn't know I cheated. LoL
~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-01-03 12:21
LOL
I promise not to tell!
*Hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Ruby Lord
Wed, 2024-01-03 13:28
Hi Geezer, this is lovely it
Hi Geezer, this is lovely it flows so well, almost as if I'm watching you. I really enjoyed the way you link the moon to your characters emotions, it was excellent. Ruby :) xx
Is there a typo in this line?
Full moon; I true can't help it
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
Geezer
Wed, 2024-01-03 16:35
I was trying...
to say to the full moon, I really can't help it, I have to look. Maybe I should say, Full moon, I sure can't help it, or maybe I might say, I cannot help it? How about if I use a plain comma? ~ Geez.
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There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Candlewitch
Wed, 2024-01-03 17:12
Yes...
cannot( is earthy)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Geezer
Wed, 2024-01-03 17:24
Thank you...
I agree, earthy is the kind of mood I'm looking for. Done! ~ Geez.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Thu, 2024-01-04 22:00
The full moon
Has such an effect on our emotions. This conveyed them beautifully. The moon is such a magnificent entity with all its mystery and beauty. Good job
~RoseBlack~
Lavender
Fri, 2024-01-05 13:24
Your Full Moon
Hi, Geezer,
A clever and tender metaphor. "...the draw of you like a flame." It seems no matter how old we get, or how many full moons we've seen, it always makes us pause and honor it for a bit.
Thank you!
L