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The Unfriendly Ghost

Submitted by Mr joghe on Wed, 2022-10-12 16:42

Dear beauteous ghost
Shinning nowhere but in the dark
I saw you walking in air
When your light was trampled in the dust
You were at your best but dull and hoary
Mere glimmering and decayed.

Proudly you gathered, rank on rank
As angel in my brighter dream
Called to my soul when I slept
Some strange thoughts transcend
Like some bright stars above the dark abyss
Through the veil, the scaring face
Through dust of conflict and flame
Through the voice, I cannot hear

I cried upon a lonely hill
Where no shadow intervene
I lay in crying darkness
Of little things that run and quail
And die in silence and despair.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet October 2022 Random Challenge The Unfriendly Ghost
Content level: 
Explicit Content

Comments

swamp-witch

Mon, 2023-03-20 10:01

swamp-witch's picture
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Your title caught my attention. Then I realized it was a contest prompt! I'll have to look through all the submissions. I know I'll enjoy them, like I did your poem.

I thought your line "I cried upon a lonely hill" felt familiar. I learned that it came from a WWI memorial hymn, O Valiant Hearts. That's a great reference/allusion. It really enriches the poem if readers notices it because they will see the significance of your poem more clearly, especially the lines:

Proudly you gathered, rank on rank
Through dust of conflict and flame

I really like the use of the word quail as a verb, as well. I didn't know it could be a verb, but it really paints a clear picture thanks to how I imagine the animal.

A few thoughts to consider:

- You were at your best but dull and horary --> do you mean hoary?

- The first and last stanzas of your poem end in periods/full stops. You may want to add one at the end of the second stanza for consistency.

Take care,
Kelsey

Critique, don't comment.

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Mr joghe

Mon, 2023-03-20 15:34

Mr joghe's picture

"I thought your line "I cried upon a lonely hill" felt familiar. I learned that it came from a WWI memorial hymn, O Valiant Hearts. "

Yes, I read the hymn before I wrote the poem and I was touched by the word used in the hymn.

Thanks for your critique!

"Words are currency of ideas and have the power to change world. Ride your pen on the rough road."

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