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Trapped

Submitted by AmmaKonadu on Fri, 2012-07-13 16:18

The melody in my heart turns discordant
My tears freeze midway down my cheeks
To my flesh I've now become a servant
And my mind with immense sorrow, leaks.

Pain is a constant visitor
In this damned body of mine
Guilt, ever so sinister
Charges me a heavy fine

Anxieties like large, flesh-eating termites
Crawl up my every opening
Feasting greedily on my insides
Dear Lord, what is happening?

Must I stay like this forever...
Dining with images of my fears?
Must I, Oh Abba, again shiver
At the memories of past years?

I say NO

Do not let go...

Hand me back my sanity
And save me from this death i'm locked in

For I am trapped...

Trapped...

... in my own body.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Tue, 2012-07-17 03:42

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That we suffer so is hard and not sure which of the master plans if any to say this is. Maybe just maybe it is our own plan and that we suffer so is for us to learn though sometimes think that the lessons are so hard for many. The children in their suffering make me cry, I can only say that this is a brave write of bravery and is Good, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

AmmaKonadu

Tue, 2012-07-17 04:25

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for stopping by. i appreciate it.

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2012-07-20 13:05

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As Ian has stated, it is a brave write. There is much honesty here, within the suffering. My favorite lines (were hard to choose):

I say NO!

Do not let go...

Hand me back my sanity
And save me from this death i'm locked in!!!

For I am trapped...

Trapped...!!!

... in my own body.

always, Cat (& eddy)

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

AmmaKonadu

Fri, 2012-07-20 16:23

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Thank you for reading. i'm so glad you enjoyed it.

author comment

judyanne

Sun, 2012-07-22 04:07

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but imho you should lose all the exclamation marks - your write itself should implicitly imply them with your word usage
just me i insist - but i find them distracting...

great rhyme in 'discordant / servant', 'visitor / sinister'
and the raw emotion poured through with word usage as 'anxieties like large, flesh-eating termites',

many of our teachers have told us that one of the ways to enlightenment is through suffering... :and i might say, in my experience, pain has resulted in huge learning curves :)

love judy xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

AmmaKonadu

Sun, 2012-07-22 12:32

AmmaKonadu's picture

Judy, for your suggestion...i always find myself using those exclamation marks unconsciously. I'll take care of them right now, thanks.
I'm glad you enjoyed.

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