Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

LIES

Submitted by AmmaKonadu on Fri, 2012-05-25 07:10

A drop of soul and dust did brew
The fruit of love was true
The delicate vessel I became
I carried alone our passion's flame

The breath of a dear one I did hold
I watched the magic unfold
That precious gift of unity
Of nature held then within me

Love-seeds under the starry sky
We sowed together...you and I
So why did you do this, tell me, why?
Why did you let our love tree die?

.....

What we crafted now asks of you
What do I say, what do I do?

I hold his hand and lead him there
Where our love-tree was first planted
Tears fill my eyes to find it bare
That spot where we dreamed all we wanted

So I tell a lie...
I tell and cry...
I tell a lie...for you.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

AmmaKonadu

Fri, 2012-05-25 16:32

AmmaKonadu's picture

This poem is very dear to my heart.

author comment

scribbler

Fri, 2012-05-25 22:18

Volunteer badge

I really enjoyed this as it so well presented full range of emotions. I have a few ideas you might consider :
Line 4 try carried, alone, our passion's flame
Line 8 maybe , of nature held then within me
Line 10 try we sowed together, you and I
use or not as you see fit these are just ideas.............stan

AmmaKonadu

Sat, 2012-05-26 00:35

AmmaKonadu's picture

Thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate them!

author comment

loved

Sat, 2012-05-26 08:36

loved's picture

twas the right word
yours

loved

AmmaKonadu

Sat, 2012-05-26 01:26

AmmaKonadu's picture

I appreciate your suggestion.
Thanks!

author comment

loved

Sat, 2012-05-26 08:37

loved's picture

your choice is profound

loved

judyanne

Sat, 2012-05-26 12:00

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

powerful
i wouldn't suggest you change a single word
love judy
xxx

no - changed my mind :)
'That spot where we dreamed all we wanted' is a bit awkward... and misses rhyme
quick suggestion
where time to dream has been added
xx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

AmmaKonadu

Sat, 2012-05-26 14:01

AmmaKonadu's picture

Judyanne, for reading and for your suggestion!

author comment

loved

Sat, 2012-05-26 13:54

loved's picture

just say yes
listen not to quacks like me
who know damn all of poetry
simply ask friend Jess

loved

AmmaKonadu

Sat, 2012-05-26 14:02

AmmaKonadu's picture

:) thanks again!

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-05-26 14:29

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

only joking, but seriously that last line doesn't need even one exclamation mark.

I get why everyone is raving about the raw emotion of this poem, but there are several stylistic things I find problematic. Especially the Yoda speak. You know the Star Wars movies? Yoda? He inverts all his sentences.
did brew
I became
did hold

Apart from that, a very fine poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

AmmaKonadu

Sat, 2012-05-26 14:37

AmmaKonadu's picture

the star wars.
Thanks for stopping by.
I guess i used the exclamation marks because i was screaming it out in my head as i wrote.

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-05-26 14:40

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

those three endline examples I gave you? You have inverted the natural word order and it makes it sound like contrived poetry.

And I really seriously suggest you delete those exclamation marks, they cheapen your expression

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

AmmaKonadu

Sat, 2012-05-26 15:20

AmmaKonadu's picture

exclamation marks then.

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2012-05-26 15:31

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

cool!!!!!!!!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.