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Those Days of Winged Wonder

Submitted by Blue-eyed Bolla on Sun, 2023-01-22 06:12

The rose and the lily, the blue bell and daisy.
The days bathed in sunlight all hallowed and hazy.
I loved them that summer when girl she came calling,
laid by me in long grass, in love with me falling.

The damp, diamond dew drops: her tears that I’ll treasure.
Her light-hearted laughter, her smile of pure pleasure.
The bright balm-filled breezes, the nectar from kisses:
My mouth, on this morning, so madly it misses!

The girl of my dreaming, in jeans, rarely dresses.
The touch of her fingertips, gentle caresses.
Her voice, in a whisper, like swish of the ocean.
Her kiss, breathing bliss, from her heart’s deep devotion.

The sound of sweet songbirds in woods gently shaded.
The locks of my true love, by beauty all braided.
Those days of winged wonder I’ll yearn for forever.
From here to eternity, I’ll rue them never!

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Alex Tanner

Sun, 2023-01-22 06:25

Loved It

Loved it, no more need I say.. Alex

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-01-22 08:40

those days...

Many thanks Alex

KBloor

author comment

Rosewood Apothecary

Sun, 2023-01-22 07:30

Well then

Loved it. Every word.

Tim

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-01-22 08:40

those days...

Many thanks, Tim

KBloor

author comment

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-01-22 08:41

those days...

Many thanks, E.

KBloor

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-01-22 09:54

The title...

defintely brought me in.
Your language use is good and I love the rhythm, it is perfect!
The pace is good and keeps up with the mood all the way through.
The theme is well-worn, but fresh in your work. The beginning is good,
following theme all the way through with a good ending.
[It does seem just a tiny, teenie bit forced]. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Blue-eyed Bolla

Sun, 2023-01-22 12:50

those days...

Many thanks, Geezer. Yeah, I agree with you about the forced rhyme - you did mean the rhyme? Rhyme is so so difficult to not force. I'm addicted to it though, so I'll have to work it out. Again, many thanks for reading my poor little rhymes.

KBloor

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-01-22 13:46

Not poor little...

by any means! Yes, I meant the rhyme. Sometimes, it is difficult to make a line say what you want it to, and not sound forced.
It was not extremely evident, but noticeable. I'm sure that you will find a way to do it! I am not blameless myself; sometimes I am left with such a line and find it hard to do, so that it doesn't sound forced. Someday, I will go back and work over all the lines that I left in frustration. LoL If you haven't noticed, I am addicted to rhyme myself. I go off and do a different pattern once in a while or some free verse, but mostly the same rhyme pattern. I love the easy way that the rhythm lends itself to a smooth performance. Good luck with that line, but I am sure that you will find a way. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Sun, 2023-01-22 14:10